A Singaporean In Australia

Agent Y visited on Wednesday. We got to know each other through this site. That would be the third time she visited me in Perth, once in a year. I hardly warm up to people I didn't know well but Agent Y was one of the rare exceptions, mainly due to her outgoing, straight talking nature. I never asked why Agent Y chose to pay me visits when she only had 1-2 chances to meet up with somebody within her tight schedules. Perhaps I was the only one she knew here. Nonetheless I was happy to see her, after not hearing from her for almost a year.

Agent Y slims down significantly every time I meet her. I almost couldn't recognise her when she appeared downstairs, waving up at me. Isn't Sydney a busy, crowded place like Singapore? How could someone look healthier and younger working in such an environment? Perhaps it is time to put such an unsubstantiated notion to rest. Myself, for example, look older and worse than 3 years ago in boring boring Perth. However we have one thing in common, we are happy where we are. That was a stark contrast to Agent Y's situation when she first started working in Sydney. Then, she wrote an email to me almost demanding an explanation from me on why I am happy living in Australia when she couldn't see where the hype was. That evening, she revealed there was only a slim chance she would ever want to work in Singapore again, despite the fact she is earning lesser in Sydney. ($50 an hour) Well she was a real professional in her field, unlike the most of us, acting to be professionals just because we have "engineers", "executives", "consultants" or "directors" in our job title. You see, based on pay scale alone, a Sanitary Delivery Specialist in Singapore will not hesitate to work as a toilet cleaner in Australia for more pay, despite being his job being called what it is. However Agent Y issue is the opposite because she will be paid much more working in Singapore than Australia in her profession. It will be the same situation for professionals who worked themselves to a certain level in their careers in Singapore. It isn't easy for most Singaporeans to feel balanced in the mind if our pockets are lighter due to a decision. Thus, not many Singaporeans can migrate and never regret doing so.

I didn't have to ask for reason why her motivations of working in Singapore diminished over these 3 years. Life is simpler for her, despite Sydney. She walks to-and-fro work for a total distance of 5km a day, rain or shine. That may be a contributing factor why she looks better. In addition, she sleeps more and likely better. She knocks off on time. She does not own a house nor a car. Less responsibilities to fret over with. Minus the old friends and colleagues to entertain. She did not have to keep up with the Joneses, which she found herself constantly doing subconsciously back in her Singapore days. More importantly, a chance to discover - and be - herself. She has been doing a great job living a happier life. Her radiance proves it. She didn't even mind the shitty fried rice I cooked for her.

I confirmed with Agent Y I am still happy living in Perth. Unlike her with a host of employment options available if she chose to return to Singapore, I may be better off selling Ice Kachang rather than wasting my time searching for a job. It's literally a cool job and with a meaningful mission. I can cool down a hot headed Singaporean population so stressed up till we have to find pleasure in prosecuting a 16 year old for speaking words.

The biggest mistake I made was forgetting to request for a window seat for my return to Perth. The punishment was being put in the middle of two strangers for 4.5 hours. Immediately I prayed for low fat versions to nobody in particular. No, I don't have a problem with fat people 99% of the time, with the exception of situations where my personal space has a higher probability of being encroached.

My prayers were answered. It was amazing because the hit rate of praying to nobody seems to match up with my friends' prayers to their respective Gods. If the success rate of answered prayers is 50-50%, then 50% x nobody = 50% x God. Take away the constant, we get, nobody = God. We cannot rule out the possibility of everyone praying to the same supreme being under a different name. In this case, nobody is actually God.

A girl in her late twenties appeared and gestured the window seat was hers. I tried giving her space that was almost non existent in a budget carrier. After some awkward lap dancing, she sunk into the coveted window seat and began to make preparations for a good sleep. Much later, a chap in his twenties took the other seat. So the plane took off without crashing (another answered prayer to nobody) and meals were served. Then the hot babe stewardess gave us "white cards" to fill. The lady began to look annoying restless because she didn't have a pen with her. Wah lao, fill at airport counter will die meh? The chap on my left, in contrast, looked like a well prepared boy scout with a pencil case. Pencil case? wtf. He requested for a Chinese white card and I took a glance at his green passport. China or something.

Hmm. I realised I didn't have a pen on me as well. Yes, I am as kiasu as any Singaporean so I MUST fill my white card but I was not ask-the-cabin-crew-for-a-pen-and-get-told-they-didn't-provide-such-service desperate as the girl at the window seat, who appeared nearing a nervous breakdown because she couldn't get a pen. After she finished her meal, she proceeded to do her lap dance on both of us to get out and disappeared for quite a while. She returned with a pen, filled her card and finally relaxed herself enough to get to sleep. Me? I don't need drama to get a pen. Not when I have a guy with a full pencil case sitting beside me.

The chap did not ordered food. Strangely, I was told by Jen she did not order anything for me too but the hot babe stewardess still gave me some. Whatever. I ate creamy pasta and tidied up. Then I dropped the table of the traveler and placed the can of Coke on it with a shift move. He looked surprised and rejected my offer. "Take it," I told him. "And take this as well," I placed my Toblerone bar on his table. He thanked me and introduced himself after he finished the Coke. Sam was a Taiwanese, making a trip to Perth for the first time after a transit in Changi Airport. He lavished praise on the airport and I acknowledged it. I took the opportunity to warn him about his expectations of the notorious Perth International Airport, which currently holds the distinguished honor being voted Top Ten of the Most Hated Airports in the World.

Sam began to ask about me and my life in Perth after he found out I had been working here for 3.5 years. He was making his first trip to Perth on a working-holiday visa, which granted him one year to stay and work in Australia. Needless to say, he was keen to know where to look for jobs or any other advice I could offer him. Here we go again. I asked Sam for a pen and a piece of paper. Then I wrote down the URL of Gumtree and told him the standard rates of renting a single room, which would save him good money compared to staying in a backpacker's inn. Then I wrote the names of a few suburbs that he could find used car dealers who sell cheaper than the others. While he shot his questions, I filled my white card.

Actually I didn't die.

Anyway, I have been inactive in the blog since. If anyone wonders why I disappear from blogging for long periods a few times a year, there hadn't been a reason or a decision behind it. Just pure laziness. I returned to Perth on the following Saturday alone. My wife and child had to stay in Singapore for another week to sort out other stuff, which I rather not specify lest some smart guy tries to second guess the reason behind our decisions. My entire week of illness also vanished mysteriously a few hours after I landed. So, I actually have a whole week to myself in Perth and enough time to flood this space 3 times a day if I wanted to. Fortunately for the haters, I gave them a break.

The week by myself in Perth was an interesting one. As far as I remember, that would be the first time I have ever lived alone in my life. The house was quiet. There wasn't Albany's laughter, cries or Jen's shouts to return to. Yet, I didn't feel the need to talk, or meet up with anyone to fill the void. I returned home straight after work every day, made myself a simple meal, took the bath, shut the curtains and snuggled into bed by 4.30pm. However, I did not go to sleep until 10pm, playing Crusader Quest on Android while waiting for a possible call from Jen to chat a bit with Albany, who recently learnt to do conversations over the phone. 

The late Autumn weather was perfect. 20 degrees Celsius by day, and 10 by night. I slept like a log every night, unlike waking up at least twice during the nights of the previous week. The week to myself passed unexpectedly quick, in spite of missing my family. All three of them.

First thing I did upon my arrival was to get sick. They say "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." You know like the manner Goku gets back much stronger after each time he gets beaten up like a pulp.

I could count the number of times I went down to a common illness in my 3.5 years in Perth with one hand. That is really underwhelmig as compared to my track record in Singapore, I am beginning to umderstand why they keep saying that life in Australia is "slack," since I get stronger in Perth at a much, much slower rate. No wonder my friends will only consider an Australian lifestyle for retirement, as retirees do not really care about getting stronger anymore. Meanwhile the pathetic pace of life in Perth continues to irk them, as I continue to get poorly concealed snides about my decision to move, to which I reply "cos i cannot-make-it in Singapore lah!" In all honesty. I may be pathetically weak ...... but I found myself a place to survive, which is what any living organism will do. There is nothing to be ashamed about.

My good friend Tucky warned me last week that I "will know what is hot" when I return to Singapore in a few days. I nearly peed in my pants because Tucky is not the type who makes empty threats. Fortunately the Gods have been merciful enough to bless me with some light showers. Tucky was quick to remind me I was lucky to escape the hell mode but I am to survive the rest of the week in nightmare mode. Not surprisingly I went down to a sore throat, bad nose and a running temperature within my first 12 hours here.

Luckily my dear neighbors had good advice for me. Angie mama told me to see a doc to salvage, if I may say so, an already ruined holiday. I am likely to be spending the first few working days in Perth recovering from my supposed holiday next week. If I keep spending my annual leave to get sick, when will I really get a holiday? If you want an honest account, that is a major disadvantage of a half fuck migration arrangement. In case you don't realise, I have always see myself as working overseas instead of having emigrated somewhere else until I come to find out what my own people think of people like me as; migrated, quitter or traitor. I still address myself as working overseas when local service providers ask about me during small talks.

Only those who are able to make a clean break with the country and bring the village along with them are considered the truly migrated, at least in my book.

Eventually, I may have to be back for a few years, to tend to my elderly folks. At the moment I can't envisage how it is going to work out. I still have to work if I return, probably committing the same, if not longer hours to work as previously. Will my presence in Singapore makes a difference in such a situation? 

This is an admin trip because there are plenty of tasks of this nature to do. It is starting to get a little sad when my returns are becoming increasingly business-like. With the possibiity of an expansion of family, such trips will have to be infrequent in the future. This kind of decision is never easy to make. None of the options is ideal and no situation is win-win.

Albany is to become a Singaporean by the end of the week. I insist on doing this because it is her birthright and I shall not deny her so. She shall hold a dual citizenship until she is 21 years old, when she shall have to choose to forfeit one of her citizenships if Singapore still does not recognises dual citizenship by then. My responsibilty ends with providing Albany her legitimate privileges. I shall not be involved in her decision making when the time comes.

As an ex cancer patient, I do not and can not expect my medical status to remain past tense. There is always a possibility of a relapse. Call me anything you want to, but it will not stop me from leaving my family the best situation to my best ability should I die prematurely one day. Albany's citizenship will make sure that we will hold on to our rightful assets that authorities have no qualms in taking away or suspending when the conditions allow them to do so.

Meanwhile, I found my CDP statement. The first thing I will do once I return to Perth to to sell a big part of my shares. There are 2 reasons doing so. One, I can clear both the profitable and cancerous stocks at the same time and start off to a clean slate. Secondly, some sort of financial crisis is looming. I have absolutely no data to back myself up, just pure gut feel. That's how I make decisions, including my decision to move to Perth. Whether my gut feel is right or wrong, I will eventually find out. The cheek of the broker actually told me he did not know how much the number of shares I am holding and I need to refer to my CDP account instead. Sure, that is the last time he will be getting a commission off my brokerage fees. I don't think he cares, since I am such a small fry. That suits me fine because I certainly don't too. Finally, a win-win scenario.

It seems like Mindef is pissed off with me because I returned later than what exit permit, permitted. I would be apologetic if their portal does not give me issues such as this

I called up the NS hotline on Sunday and was surprised that someone was manning the phone. I told them of bugs as well as the message telling me I was not eligible to apply for exit permits. I cannot help but ask the personnel if Mindef is going to have me arrested when I try to leave the country with or without an exit permit. Well you never know. Since Amos Yee can be locked up for insulting some folks, who says I cannot be arrested for failure to debug an NS portal 4000 kms from home? You can be arrested for eating your cai png while surfing the internet one day, if they don't like your face. So never be too sure. Some say there are 4 types of climates in Singapore. Sunny, fucking sunny, rainy and fear.

Fortunately the friendly admins in Mindef sent me an email by Monday to inform me my account has been "cleared" (from?) and told me to try applying for an exit permit again. I did, and the new one allows me to work outside Singapore till next April till I become a fugitive with offences again. I hope I do not get betrayed by my memory or a buggy NS portal by then. At least I have a reason to forget my wife's birthday now. Sleeping in a tent by the verandah is surely better than the possibility of an arrest at the airport.

Let me share with you what someone who works as a waiting staff once told me, "If you want a job which makes you hate humanity, be a waiter." I'm sure this resonates with you, at least as a joke. Now, do you know why a Singaporean waiter cannot smile as well as his Pinoy counterpart? This is probably what goes through their minds when they work;

Pinoy: I'll build 3 houses and live on rental income back home when I'm done with these assholes.

Singaporean: Either the paramount task of becoming one of these assholes or spend the rest of my life serving them.

Not very much for the Singaporean waitress, to smile about, if you ask me. I will hardly be surprised if most do not agree with my views about the ugliness of Singaporeans in general, as this isn't probable as a proposition  before putting ourselves in a contraposition to discern.

Bear with me, I am coming to your question,  "If any of our leaders have to live a life that you described, will they still think Singapore is the they want to be?"

My answer is yes.

The reason for my answer is very simple. We have been indoctrinated to believe that Singapore is a paradise. We are convinced that the countries beyond our shores are a little worse at best and right next door to hell at worst. Just imagine being a waiter in a restaurant built on an active volcano with customers loaded with racists remarks ready to fire at you while that hailstorm shatters the windscreen of your parked car outside. All these would be avoided if you accept the dearer option of using the ERP, EPS, COE, HDB and the PAP. With this mentality in mind, workers within the lower social fabric do not think about where else they want to be. They work towards where they will rather be in our Singaporean society. When all hopes seem to fade, there is always the lottery to look forward to. It is far more comforting to hope to be a lottery winner than to think about the possibility of settling down in another country being happier, freeier, than before.

If our Ministers were to live vicariously of a peasant for a stint, the answer will be the same. If anything, it will fortify their beliefs that the Singapore system provides sufficient avenues for people who want to upgrade themselves and take themselves out of their current mire. The constant feeding of inspirational stories to the public, such as the $7000 taxi driver, the $1000 hdb family man and evergreen rags to riches accounts of Singaporeans, does its part to convince every Singaporean that we have an equal chance to be what we want and if we fail, we have ourselves to blame because we are not hungry enough to succeed. Their vicarious adventure will end with them convinced that they deserved their million dollar roles because they are men above men.

I love this article because it provided us quite a few insights about a struggling migrant in Australia. For those lazy bums who don't like reading, let me do you a service by highlighting the important points and what you can learn from the information the Straits Times painstakingly paid a foreign journalist to provide you with.

Still unwilling to get out of bed to prepare for work, I squinted to the illuminated phone to read the mentioned article to see what was the fuss about.

Ah, article from The Shitty Times. What else could make people worry unnecessarily? Bear with the smell while I expand the stuff for you to read.

Some think cooking involves the laying out of chic bites of intricacies or carving up a melon for hours. 

"It sounds too difficult, so let's not start learning cooking altogether."

"I only know how to eat, don't know how to cook."

"I will burn the kitchen down." 

"I am not gifted."

Do we really need to be gifted to learn how to cook a good meal? If that is a mental deterrent that stops you from learning how to cook, it will be as foolish as not learning how to drive a car because drifting a car looks too dangerous to execute.

The only excuse I can accept from Singaporeans is the lack of time. I am fully aware many of us are chained to the wheel of life such that we have too little time left to choose cooking over higher priorities such as our children or our own well being. 

That is a pity.

For despite the availability of great tasting food at low price and the emergence of a seemingly unlimited range of "instant foods", nothing beats cooking your own food. The pace of Singapore life makes it near impossible to calm a mind enough on regular basis to appreciate how empowering it is to cook and enjoy the refinement of your life skill day by day. Certainly not when the stomach is growling, your kids have not taken their baths and you are dead beat from work. That is fine. We have a system that works for Singaporeans. Pop downstairs, buy zi char, feed the family. Cheaper, better, faster and best of all, no mess to clear up.

Only for those who are contemplating emigration, cooking becomes relevant again. Unless of course, you are moving to a country where street food is as affordable as Singapore, if not more affordable. Such as what these Singaporean bloggers did here and here. However if you are moving to a location like Australia, the significance of your ability to cooking changes from a lifestyle indulgent to a survival skill.

Take for example, Agent YY read the blog post [link] published the day before and confessed to me that she would not be able to survive based on a $70k per annum salary in Sydney. She is currently "surviving" on a $90k per annum gross. The key reason she offered was that she never cooks and eat every single meal out. Neither does she drives to work, own a car or have a spouse that drives her to work everyday. Agent YY existence is one who defies what I have been advocating in the blog, that it is of paramount importance to know how to cook and drive a car in Australia. 

However, not everyone has the ability (or fortune) to land a job that pays $90k per annum. I can feed a family of four with my wife as a stay-at-home-mum if I am on such a salary scale. See the difference? So if you believe cooking is a skill of the gifted and refuse to learn cooking, you will be limited only to the jobs that pay you enough to fund your folly. Without a doubt, that reduces your chances to surviving on limited funds while your search for your first job, eliminating lower paying jobs in the process.

Things could be much easier - if you bothered to learn how to cook.

So is cooking that difficult to learn? Not if you have the patience to start from the bottom. That is nothing to be ashamed about. For every time you cook, you are clocking mileage to be faster and better the next time. You improve. Paying $10 to that hawker doesn't. Over the years in Perth, I have observed Singaporean women who never cooked a thing in their life before, gradually sharpening their cooking abilities from scratch. For example, our family friend Grace, who had to learn to fend for herself for the first time after moving out to her own home some 2 years ago. I could remember how she panicked and asked for some tips. Not that I am a good cook myself, far from it in fact but I have no problem fixing up some edible food for the family anytime with limited ingredients. 

The first advice I gave Grace was to focus on learning how to make the simplest meals, at least to get by the early stages. I highly recommend anyone to start out the same way and that is a soup + rice meal. There isn't many cleaner, easier methods that require the least equipment and washing up afterwards than the boiling method. 

Some basic soups is really a matter of washing and cutting up ingredients, dumping them in water and boil. How difficult is it to boil an egg, peel it, smash it up and add onto thinly sliced raw lettuce with your choice compliments such as raisins or nuts before topping off with a sauce to make your very own version of a egg salad? How difficult is it to boil pandan leaves and washed red beans in sugared water for a no-frills desert? All cooking done in a single pot. It can even be done passively in a slow cooker, without you watching the stove. Heck, you don't even need a stove with an electrical slow cooker. And hardly any mess to handle. 

The result is always a nourishing, healthy and low cost meal. Is that a feat that only the gifted can perform? Certainly not. It is for anyone who runs out of excuses not to attempt.