A Singaporean In Australia

My husband and I came across your blog whilst searching for info on migrating to Oz. (No, not as in what to do to get the visa/PR, but on life there after getting the visa.) You see, we felt we were ready, having prepped ourselves since last year and reading up loads, so we did the IELTS test, did all the employment, CV stuff, and submitted our application. The OZ govt has graciously offered us sub-class 190 visa and we decided to take a trip down to Oz to reccee in the true spirit of Singaporean kiasu-ism. It was an eye-opening trip, as we tried to live and see things through the eyes of the locals or residents, and not as tourists. (not easy for we were only there for a week due to limited leave, and the carefree holiday mood did its best to besiege our starry wide-eyed selves!)

The problem we have on hand now is we STILL cannot decide if we're ready or want to make the big move, for there are just so many concerns, so many pros and cons SG and OZ respectively have to offer, and the clock's ticking away. If we do not accept the offer of a visa by 1st week Sept and pay Oz the requisite A$XXXXX moolah to activate the offer, we will forever lose this opportunity, for we will be embargoed, and besides, my hubby would have hit his age limit.

We've been reading up a lot again lately and also speaking to many people who made the move to Oz, not just from SG but also elsewhere. Most ppl it appears, are very happy to have made the move, even if they did so-called 'downgrade' in terms of employment. For instance, several friends have told us they have not been able to obtain the same level of 'white collar' jobs as what they previously worked in back here in SG. Many, in fact, most, have to get by on casual work. Some were quite pai say to reveal more, whilst some were elated that such jobs paid A$15/hr and happy to get their hands on one. Then too, there are others who revealed, quite self-consciously, that they have a low-paying job despite being a uni grad and are on the dole, but Oz is a great place to bring up kids and life there is really quite fabulous.

Now, to cut to the chase, I'd like to remove the veneer of romanticism, the 'grass is greener, air is fresher, space is bigger, cars and houses are cheaper, society is less pressurising, kids have less stress' notions i have oft heard, and for which are significant pull factors and for which reasons we are keen to migrate.

From your blog, I sense you are a very hard-nosed and factual person, and I'd really like a candid opinion from you.

As such, I'm going to be completely transparent so that you understand our push/pull factors and circumstances.

CONS OF LEAVING SG

1. My hubby is doing fairly well in his career - he enjoys his managerial job and has a comfortable remuneration. Even though it isn't enough to accord us a large posh house, we are quite comfortable and his salary + our passive income feeds 9 people!

Hence, we are worried if he can get sufficient income or even a stable job there to provide for our immediate family of 5, as well as his parents. i am also worried if he can get a decent, respectable job for i feel he may not take well to the concept of casual jobs and I don't know if going fishing or being idle or a househusband every would drive him nuts.

2. We have managed to create a passive stream of income which we understand will be subject to 'worldwide income tax' in Oz. it is not much, but we were depending on it to survive (read survive only) if we really cannot get a job in Oz, so for it to be subjected to taxes....will be quite taxing on us. 

3. we may be liable for capital gains tax if we dispose of our investments (the same investments which grant us a stream of passive income), or inherit any assets and dispose of them (yes even hdb flat). and if we relinquish our PR in the future, the Oz govt will deem it as disposable of asset and still impose CGT. Non-disclosure is risky due to a disclosure clause with the SG Govt who can rat us out.

4. We have extremely close family ties with our follks and take turns to stay with both sets of parents several days a week. My side is urging us to go to Oz, his is reluctant and even despondent. The hubby is deeply affected as his parents are elderly and sometime have occasional medical conditions. we will also deeply miss them as will the kids, and i forsee we will face extreme loneliness in oz.

5. Our kids are very young, aged 5 & 3 YO, and 6 months. we have managed thus far with both sets of our parents taking turns to help out as well as with domestic helpers. this will not be possible in Oz. i am confident i can manage the household chores and the kids by rolling up my sleeves, but i know it is no walk in the park, and will be exhausting, and there will be no more couple or me time. I know i will be the cook, maid, chauffeur, tutor, cleaner, laundress, maid etc.

6. Age: my husband is in his mid 40s and i am a homemaker in my late 30s. at our age, we are not as physically agile as we used to be so many physically demanding jobs are out for us. it may hamper our getting jobs both in OZ, or back here in SG if it doesn't quite pan out and we have to return.

7. High costs of living in some areas e.g. ambulance insurance, medical insurance, rates, taxes etc. Not to mention airfares for the entire family back to SG to visit!

PROS OF GOING TO OZ

1. we want out of the rat race. the lack of work-life balance is insane. spending just 2 hours daily with our children after a long day at work, is not what we deem quality of life. we want to take time to spend the roses, to enjoy our kids whilst they are young, need us, and want to be with us!

2. we want the kids to have an all-rounded education where they learn heuristically,and are taught to be independent and creative. Not just rote-learning and being pressurised at such a young age, not just subjecting them to endless enrichment classes even at tender kindergarten age (my children are the only ones in their school NOT attending any enrichment classes, and their teachers have spoken to me about this!) Children should be allowed to enjoy their childhood and we feel Oz offers that opportunity. at the end of the day, they can still end up with a uni degree after all!

3. we want space. physical space that is not shared with 6.89m people in a hole in the sky. space that does not involve cramming into subways, getting knocked by trolleys in supermarkets, being elbowed in malls, stuck in endless traffic jams and having to suffer the ignominy of paying ERP at that!

4. Acceptance, openess and a less materialistic lifestyle where we are not judged based on where we live, what car we drive, how big our house is, what brands we wear, what we do for a living. (just to clarify, we have what many deem as a privileged lifestyle here in SG with all its requisite "C's", so it is not a matter of aspiring but failing to live up to social standards, but rather I do not approve of its superficiality and shallowness, and do not want my children to imbibe such values either, hence I want to trade-in for a simplier, more care-free life. yes. idealistic as it sounds)

5. We want a house that is not ridiculously priced and takes 30 years (or all our viable economic years) to slave for and pay off. Ditto for a car. These are things to be used, not bondages that enslave us for all eternity. 

and for my part, i really really would love a small landed house with a small little garden to grow my own herb, plants, fruits and veg.and have space to walk in my bedrooms after putting a bed in)

6. relaxed lifestyle. slower pace of life. ideal for someone like me who sometimes suffers from anxiety and over-worry and hates a frenetic, fast-paced life

7. weather

8. friendly, courteous, civilised people

9. Quiet suburbs. Nature. Big country. Not just a city. Don't like city. Don't like city. Don't like city.

10. Road trips!

P/S You finished my 'chiong-hei' stream of consciousness letter! thanks for reading till here...

i hope i did not offend or come across as being a braggart or daft idealist... i just really, for the first time, put words into those abstract notions swimming in our heads and would really appreciate an honest, objective 3rd party perspective.

Pray, if i were your sister or good friend with the above-outlined circumstances, what, based on your experience and knowledge of Oz & SG, and esp as a parent yourself, would you advise?

A MILLION THANKS IN ADVANCE!

Warm Regards, 

Lena

Hi Lena,

Oops. It looks like you have only a week before your deadline since I had sat on your email for too long. Was a in bad mood for a couple of weeks. I was told by some that on one of these days, I am significantly worse than a woman during her period.

In summary, you are given a chance to be permanent residents of Australia and will lose the opportunity if you do not accept the offer by 1st week of Sept. So you emailed me some questions. I wonder how much my answers really weigh towards your decision making. If none of my painstakingly crafted opinions matter, I will feel silly making the effort. If my words are worth the weight in gold, I will feel guilty for influencing your final decision because in my position, I will never know what is best for your family. Nonetheless, I'll talk. And I'll be as honest as I can because I felt you deserve no less than my best effort. As a parent I fully understand that having three children, makes such a move gargantuan. Unlike many of us, you do not have the option of 'try-out-and-see-how'. So you will really want to make the right choice.

Cons

1. Unfortunately I cannot address this issue. If I may be honest from my own observations, this is the biggest barrier that Singaporean men could not break through. In Singapore, we have been raised to believe we are superior beings and under no circumstance should we get our highly educated hands dirty. In a way, our government did a really good job by cultivating a population of highly valued and confident people. However, our sense of self worth often end up being our biggest enemy. One obvious example being the gradual creation of an obnoxious society where the our dignity hinges on imaginary social statuses. A change of perspective is just a snap of the fingers. There is nothing much to it. It either happens or it doesn't.

2. In an ideal arrangement, if your passive income is under both your names, you will enjoy the first $36,400 income per annum tax free. If the streams of income is only under your husband's name, the bracket will be reduced to $18,200 (per individual). Having said that, tax is not going to kill you. Not being taxed however, will probably kill you faster.

3. I'll take the risk against rats, always.

4. They will have to fly over once in a while to spend time with their grandchildren. Each visit can be up to months if you can stand it. Eventually the elderly will get bored and may prefer to return to Singapore to stir their teh-c in their familiar kopitiams only to miss their grandchildren again after half a year and the cycle repeats. One thing about this, absence does make the heart grow fonder. At least there is something beautiful about this.

5. You'll learn to cope. So will the children. My daughter had to take her soiled nappy to the waste basket herself once she learnt to walk at 1 year + and became the plant watering IC at 2 years old. Many children here are encouraged to take up responsibilities in the household at a very young age. Personally, I had seen a young girl helping her dad install a glass panel, a teen changing his dad's car engine oil with full confidence. If you adopt the local culture, you will have a mini troop of good helpers before you know it.

6. If you can drive a truck or something, you'll get an income. The less choosy you are, the easier life becomes here. Of course, I am not asking you to limit yourselves to your obvious potential. Anyone should never stop looking for better options but if you would take anything that comes along in the earlier stages, mere survival is a non-issue.

7. Like mentioned earlier, get the elders over for holidays instead. There is so many places to visit here. (It's a continent here!) With the weather and beautiful places (you have seen it yourselves, there is no romanticism here), it may be more value for money to reunite this way. Regarding costs, let's put it this way. If you earn too little to be taxed, you will receive assistance to deal with other areas mentioned (eg. rental, rates, medical). If you earn enough to pay high tax, you have no issues dealing with those expenses.

Pros

1. Coming to Australia does not take you out of the rat race. It simply enters you into another. Getting back to the endless grind for promotions, recognition and wealth the moment you step into Australia simply meant you never left. Your passive income mentioned earlier combined with a willingness to let it go and to get by with simple family business or jobs, however, may. Work-life balance, in my opinion, still exists in Perth. My colleague knocks off at 2pm every Thursday because his wife works and cannot pick their daughter at the childcare. I worked from 6am to 2.30pm today with adequate time to interact with my daughter before her bedtime. If anything, this alone is worth my trouble moving to Perth. For I know if I stayed in Singapore, I would see my daughter in a horizontal form more than that which brought me bundles of joy. If there is anything priceless but worth a price, this is it.

I don't have any advice but I had shared with you days of my daughter's life so far. Do you spot anything that is for or against your values? Either, that will be my advice to you to stay put or go.

They say that silence is golden. 

Sporadically yet, silence can be as pernicious as darkness. 

We went through a great deal to bring Albany as part of our family. The theatrical affairs with KK Hospital that had me walk away like a recalcitrant, without further checks on our pregnancy until many months later in a foreign land. Albany's delivery was arduous and were minutes from fatality, as I was told by the staff. I thought such an experience would have bestowed an inveterate belief in positivism within myself. 

So I thought.

What could turn out worse than the first time? Quite a lot of possibilities, in fact, if I would drop my risible naivety. Like my buddy Tucky always said, "Life hits hard when you least expect it." Compared to many, I have a blessed life. I may not have a cushy job or earn a good dough. Neither do I live in a admirable house or drive a gleaming car. Yet the fact that I had the liberty to live a life closer to my exemplary counted double. Soften by silky, uneventful seasons, it was rough waking to the vicissitude of life.

I had been there before. Lying under an ultrasound probe held by a cheerful sonographer. The polite greetings that turned into silence and a undeniable look of concern. There I sat, hugging Albany even tighter against me, staring at the sonographer. Jen was still in blissful ignorance.

"Have you been spotting or bleeding?" he finally broke the silence.

My heart sank. Instantly, a vortex of memories drawn me to the day my sonographer asked me, "Do you smoke?" It didn't matter both our respective questions on different occasions were negative. You know, a sonographer should never ask serious questions outside trivialities such as what you had for lunch. Other than that, bad news. Trust me, I had been there, done that. There was no signs of a heartbeat. Just pitch silence.

"I'm sorry," and with that the friendly smiles disappeared. Even interns quietly slipped out from the room more stealthily than ninja trainees. It seemed that nobody wanted to be friends anymore. We left the hospital in sombre silence between us.

Sometime in the near future, Singaporeans can expect a new agency called Municipal Services Office (MSO). This was announced by PM Lee in his NDP Rally last night. The core mission of the agency was to improve service delivery to residents by helping them to coordinate among different agencies.

He cited an example where one resident in Bukit Gombak complained to the Mayor about a fishball stick on a walkway which had not been removed by cleaners for two days. The Mayor had to make multiple calls to and held meetings with several agencies before she established what happened. The fishball stick was in an area demarcated under the LTA, where cleaning was scheduled once every two days, thus the fishball stick was still around on the second day. 

On a smaller scale, a good condo manager or a corporate facilities manager would know exactly who to call when something breaks down. It is part and parcel of the job so I'm a tad surprised that a town Mayor didn't have basic urban planning knowledge to know there are demarcations across residential land that separate the responsibilities among agencies such as the Town Council, HDB and PUB, just to name a few more not illustrated in the PM's photograph. Since the MSO is going to be set up not just to help Mayors who don't know their stuff but also residents who are not expected to know who exactly to call for help, fair play. At least we know how new jobs can be created because existing agencies cannot communicate with one another or help a resident liaise issues brought up among themselves.

One thing that disturbed me deeply was how the resident could have picked up the fishball stick and chuck it in the nearest bin if its presence bothered him or her that much. I don't know if that is a sense of entitlement or laziness. It could be both or something else, a "Not my job, someone else should do it" mentality. That often leads to a lot of costs involved to solve a very cheap problem with a solution that takes minutes or even seconds to implement. In short, a lack of civic mindedness. Unfortunately, this kind of attitude is common in Singapore these days. 

Take an example of the town I used to live in when I was in Singapore. If you have keen eyes, you would have noticed that Choa Chu Kang is mis-spelled on the bus stop signage. Obviously it was a mistake made by either the folks in the Roads Department of LTA or the vendor contracted to print the signage. Who made the mistake is not the key here because human makes mistake all the time. What was disappointing was the fact that there must be at least five parties across the supply chain that could have spotted the mistake and inform the client about it. From the approving officer to the printer, the packer, installation contractor and the commissioning officer. They couldn't be all blind so I'd assume that no one really bothered it was wrong as long as they did their own work right.

Soon enough, a resident would be concerned that his town had been erroneously renamed to, "Smelly house by a drain," and call his Mayor up. Just wondering if the Mayor would call LTA himself or wait for the MSO to be set up because it is now their job to communicate with the agencies.

It wasn't easy to look for a replacement for Stargazer. Rav4s were either pricey (even at that age) at the dealers or very rarely listed by private sellers in Gumtree. It began to feel like fishing on a lazy afternoon, waiting for hours but greeted with nothing. So I widen my options by looking out for other similar models. The market offered Daihatsu Terios at a decent price. However I could remotely recall how unimpressive the passenger experience it was when I took a ride in one of those many years back. A Forester seemed a bit too longish for my preference. I even told Jen in jest that it might be a good idea to get a 4runner and bash around with.

Then I came across the Honda CR-V (first generation). It caught my eye because of the shape of the car - just the sort that would suit our needs perfectly. High seats for a step down alighting, a huge cubic boot, good visibility. Upon reading up more about the model, it seemed like it would tick the rest of my preferences. A roomy passenger area as well as a smooth stable ride (for the road trips) and high reliability. As it seemed, reviews by owners were unusually good. Many claimed their first generation CRVs were 'indestructible'. So I reckoned a CRV was worth a look.

I wasted no time in meeting sellers for test drives. The first drive was a Korean owner. His was a 2001 model with extra 20hp to its 1997-1999 counterparts. I had to say I was impressed by how well the CRV drove. I would go as far as saying the driving experience was even better than the Rav4. Many would probably lament how underpowered compact SUVs like that were. But I bought this for the wife's daily runs, not joining night street racing. After a couple of test drives, I was convinced that Stargazer's replacement would be one of these.

The problem with that was everyone knew these were really great cars so nobody would list them cheaply. So dealers would be asking between the range of $4,000-$5,000 for a 15-16 year old CR-V, depending on condition and mileage of the engine. Private sellers would list decent ones at around $3,500. Anything significantly lower than that price would be either one with extremely high mileage or bad condition. After buying the temporary silver pyzar for $1,300 with the insurance payout of $4,500, my remaining budget was $3,300 for the CR-V.  I was determined not to spend a cent more. 

Weeks passed by without any breakthrough. It turned out that CR-Vs were never going to be as commonly listed as Corollas. Even the Korean chap was still listing his unsold CR-V for $3,600 without any intention to reduce the price. I would give that a miss.

Then I saw the ugly green CR-V on the list. I read the advertisement and found that the owner was willing to negotiate on the price. I had to drive to City Beach to view the car. The owner lived in a house that overlook the Indian Ocean. I couldn't help but admire those houses there. Such life. A little Japanese guy greeted me. He looked no more than 30 years old despite his untidy beard of the chin. We did a little bit of small talk while I inspected the bonnet. No oil leaks. Great. The owner name was Yutaka. Near-new tyres. Brilliant. Yutaka was a school teacher in Japan and decided to go travelling around the world with his Japanese wife. Flexible CV-joint boots with no cracks. Yutaka was on work-holiday visa, working in Taka's Kitchen on casual for $22 an hour, 60 hours a week because 'they are so busy'. New drive belts. Nice. Yutaka had actually driven the CR-V around Australia in a few months, visiting all major cities except for Tasmania. He was ready to leave Perth and his next touring destination was India. Coolant clear, engine oil clean and bright. Brakes tidy. 

"Can I go for a drive?"

"Sure."

"Wanna come with me?"

"No, I trust you."

Great. Air con and heater in working condition. Automatic windows good all around. Wipers smooth and inject enough water. The drive was quiet. I could hardly hear the hum of the engine even when I purposely stepped on the gas more than necessary. The gear shift was smooth and all gears transited seamlessly. I tried to be as critical as I could but other than the poor paintwork on the body, I couldn't fault it. Well, it wasn't the first time I had owned an ugly green car. My first car was actually a ugly green Renault Kangoo van. I hated the green at first but it served us so well that we ended up using that as our wedding car. Sometimes, it wasn't really about looking good and having 'face' but the significance value of it in our story. I glanced at the ugly green paint after I hopped out to Yutaka's driveway with disdain but quickly straighten up and told him, "Seems like a sound car, despite how you abused it," I joked.

I passed the keys back to the Japanese and told him about Jen's accident and how our car was written off. So my budget for the replacement car was tight. Yutaka listed the car at $3,500 negotiable. Let's see how negotiable that was going to be then.

"Can I have this for $2,600?" I asked.

"Wow, that's low," he shook his head without hesitation. "There were a few potential buyers who quoted $2,500 - $2,600 but my wife rejected them immediately. She wanted at least $3,000 because we bought the car at $5,000 from the dealer only a year ago."

Yutaka gave out too much information and it gave me an idea what would be my next move.

"$3,000 is a bit high for me. Can you reduce it a bit more to $2,800? I think my wife will be happy with the price because we too, have a limited budget."

"Hmm," returned Yutaka. "Let me check with my wife and I'll call you back."

"Yes, please call or text me once you have an answer," I concluded and thanked him for his time.

Three hours later, I received a call from Yutaka. He sounded quite enthusiastic and told me his wife had agreed to the price. "Thank you, I need to call my wife now to ask her for the money. I'll call you back once I know when I can come over." That evening, two henpecked men exchanged cash for car. Both were mighty pleased.

The drive back home in Ugly Green was fantastic. The car was perfect for a road trip. The leg room at the passenger seat was even more generous than the Rav4 but the boot was not badly compensated because of that. The interior was kept clean so no intensive cleaning was needed. Yutaka also handed me two sets of useful freebies. A phone charger for any phone model and a power converter. The power converter would allow us to charge our laptops via the cigarette lighter if we needed to. It served them well for their road trip.

I got Jen to insure the car as soon as she could. The insurance company told us the market value for a 1998 CR-V was $4,900. Alright. It was all good to go. Jen had a new old car. How do I sell the silver Pyzar now?

Everyone dies in the end. The goal in life, mootable. Being a master of your destiny is near impossible, yet there are very few goals in life worthier to pursue. To be a man of your own is a constant discovery about syncing with our inner voice so as to develop the confidence to trust your judgement to the nth degree. Only then your true sight can cut beyond the flood of propaganda and stereotyping that engulf us on everyday basis and to see in clarity between what you want to know and what others want you to know.

If you are serious about attempting migration, such an attitude must be cultivated to leet level. For this is the foremost and utmost quality you will need to carry yourself through from pre-migration to post-migration stages. For a start, you will need to differentiate between fears and reality, hearsay and facts, spite and concern among a glut of conflicting emotions that will overwhelm your lofty decision.

Regardless of where you are going or how much money you are taking, you will find yourself starting out as if you are a level one noob in computer game. From there, it doesn't matter what or who you were in your previous world, for you are nothingness in your new reality where only one rule applies - be good or perish. In such an environment, it is common to end up in bouts of self doubt, especially when expectations are not met. You will soon discover that the little flame in your inner voice is your only ally to lead you through darkness.

Letting yourself into a situation where you have no option but to survive and later thrive is an eye opening experience. For there is nothing more interesting then to observe how you may defeat your inner ghosts by doing what you think you cannot do. This may sound narcissist but do not forget the journey of life is ultimately about yourself. Thus learn to love yourself first before you attempt to love the others. A good start is to be more forgiving to yourself and not subjecting yourself to peer pressure and expectations of the society in general by giving yourself softer goals to achieve. Believe me, even in the new land, you'll get the same questions about your choice of employment, abode or transportation tool. You'll do yourself a big favour by focusing on your goals instead of keeping up with the Joneses.

Migration should never be about the hate about place you are leaving. Hate may be a strong source of energy but it will not outlast your fears. Neither should it be about the glitters of the promised land, as these will be nothing but meaningless material entities that will serve little to sooth a reluctant soul. From my observations about the Singaporeans I met in Perth, you'll probably do much better with love. The love of their family give men immeasurable strength to grit on. The love of discovery and lead many to untold adventures. The love of yourself and the decision to be a master of your own destiny shall take your as far as you will, when you will.

Month 1
Month 27

Month 33

I publish all emails but I never give away any identities. Apologies if I gave you a shock.

In an ideal world, consumers are rational. In reality as we know it, unfortunately markets are based on well researched advertising playing on people's impulses and targeting their weaknesses in precision in order to for them to make irrational decisions. When it comes to tangible products such as chocolates, a consumer knows consuming chocolate makes him feel good so he buys it. Even so, marketers don't have a problem to make a consumer pay 10, 20 or 100 times more than the regular chocolate by making it look sweet and dainty, completed with intricate fillings or toppings wrapped in gold foil. The designer chocolate does not make one feel 10 times better compared to eating regular chocolate. Neither is it more nutritious nor filling. So what have we paid for? Emotions?

The point which I was trying to put across was, if consumers like us were not able to differentiate value from price for tangible products, what about intangible products or worse, services? If we adopt a 另可信其有 attitude towards every marketable services thrown at us, each citing it's a 'must' for kids of today, is the sky the limit to these indulgence? In the case of an 'enrichment training', how do you measure the effectiveness of this service as claimed by the marketers? How would we know if it will significantly contribute to a kid's future success? What if it does nothing for your purpose? Would it be a 'it's ok, at least we tried?' I called this faith marketing. It's almost the same as how some entities ask us to believe in God with one hand rested on our heart and the other buried in a pocket. As long as you feel good about it, it's cool. From the way I look at it, we Singaporean parents spam enrichment on our children as an act of insurance, an act of guilt reduction. So in the regrettable event when our children 'fail', we could console themselves that we had almost died trying our best to prevent that. Else, I could not understand the irrationality of sending a 6 month old baby to an enrichment program.

It will be interesting if we can examine who set the bar that distinguish failure from success in the first place. Is the line set by society, by school examinations or by the parents' expectations? In a school examination, a fail, a pass, a merit or a distinction are clearly demarcated. Let's define 'success' the way most Singaporeans will recognize (but not necessarily agree) with. Basically 5Cs or whatever along that line. Will society guarantee success in life for children who do well in school? Well yes and no. For every Chen Show Mao, there will be thousands of -S- (author of NCSC, who went to a reputable JC but didn't end up in Parliament or head a GLC). So there is no guarantee, unless your child is the cream of the crop. If I may quote you, "Not everyone is Einstein or Hawking." Will enrichment spamming elevate an ordinary child to Einstein's level? What if despite all these, our children still don't do well in school? Does society condemn the people who never do well in school (such as you and I) for certainty? Not necessarily. In the course of history, there were countless of examples of people who were very average but rose to the pinnacle by sheer hard work. In fact, Albert Einstein was a well known example of someone who screwed up in school but never gave up on himself on his way to greatness. If you spend some time reading up about successful people, you will probably note that successful people have common traits such as relentless determination, self motivated, extremely hardworking etc. I'll summarise my points I was trying to put across. 1) The chances of having a genius kid is close to zero. 2) Enrichment courses will not turn an ordinary child into a genius 3) Average people can be successful if they develop certain character traits.

Unless we are still carrying the delusion that our child is a genius, wouldn't our parenting life be easier if we started off acknowledging our children are normal, ordinary kids who will simply end up to be 'average' on the dreaded Bell Curve of Singapore in the first 16 years of their lives? Instead of trying to prevent the imminent, I choose to focus on developing strong character traits and values in hope that my child learns to be self sufficient, independent and responsible for her own success at a young age. After all, our own success lies in our own hands. Did you blame your parents for not sending you to more enrichment classes when you were a toddler for your 'failure' today? Let me share a personal story with you.

When I was a child, I never had any tuition because my parents could not afford to send me to any. I remember suggesting to my mum that I wanted some private tuition in my weakest subject, mathematics when I was in secondary two. I would never forget the look on her face when I told her how much money I needed for it. It was a painful look of a parent who loved her son but knew the money could be better used for the household. I dropped the idea of tuition immediately. My mathematics did not improve. Believe it or not, up to my GCE 'O' level Prelims, I never passed a single maths test or exams. In the Prelims, the only subject I passed was English, Art (both C6) and Chinese (B4). I failed the rest of my subjects F9, except for Geography (E8). My L1R5 was a impressive grand total of 42 points. That was in June. I had only 3-4 months to go before the real GCE and my future was on the line.

At this point, I wish you clarify that mess has nothing to do with the fact I did not have any tuition or enrichment classes. In fact, my PSLE results were decent with 4As despite me being a very lazy, average boy in class. The reason why I achieved that was the great teachers who motivated us regularly and literally forced us to do a lot of additional homework. As expected, without these great teachers in secondary school, I had neither the discipline nor the wisdom to rely on nobody but myself to learn. Without a will to learn, there can only be one result on my exam sheets - tragic. This, my friend, is a great example that depicts the fallacy of the common Singaporean notion: A solid foundation leads to future success. If anything, my situation couldn't illustrate the saying, "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime, " any better.

Back to the fateful June when I received my Prelims results. I knew I deserved where I was. I had been a legendary copier. i.e. I copied during school tests and never get caught. Thus I passed various subjects except for, obviously, subjects involving calculations which the solutions would never be in the textbooks. Obviously I could not understand the simple fact that real meaning of the test scores were not numbers to show the parents but an indication of how much I learnt in the subject. My laziness, dishonesty, lack of integrity and naivety finally caught up with me at the brink. Only then I realised my own success lied in my own hands. My parents or teachers could only do so much to shove a pen to me or send me to classes. Without the right attitude and self responsibility, all previous effort taken to groom me would come to naught.

I'll summarise my grandfather story to a single sentence: I'm convinced that it is more important to teach my child the correct values and mindset.

With that done right, a child should ideally constantly seek to improve his or herself. If I could see that in my children, I would be contented as a parent. My children must be able to define their own successes or failures. They should be their own harshest judge and critic and not me. My role is to provide encouragement, support and guidance to my best ability. Call that relaxed parenting if you want to. I'm not writing this to argue whether it works or not. To me, it isn't about whether what works. It is about The Way. I wrote all this to share my own views and I have no intention to discredit or dissuade you from your own parenting methods. Nobody has the right to tell anyone which is the right way to make babies, thus the same goes for parenting them.

To answer your questions:

What if Albany have stayed in Singapore (hypothetically of course), would you have enrolled her in any courses at all? 

I would send Albany to swimming lessons just as I am doing for her right now in Perth. There will be no changes. When she is old enough, I'll teach her how to cook. I have no further plans at this stage.


Do you think a normal kid will learn to cope well with everything society throws at them(including SG)?



asingaporeanson

Dear Nix

Super enjoy reading your blog, which sometimes bring a rollercoaster of emotions to my current conventional (and boring) life.

I am in the midst of obtaining a PR status in Canada, and I was perpetually convinced that we had to go. Now, as the days drew nearer, there is this little voice inside me telling me to put everything to a halt.

You see, having L (our son) was the reason why we are leaving. I have shared the same conversation with S previously and was told that I am better off leaving this land of peculiar unfamiliarity despite being born and bred here.

We started sending L to The Shichida Method at 6 months old, he was also simultaneously attending gymnastic classes and phonics lessons at 9 months old and 13 months old respectively after that. When he reached 17months, I raised the possibility of adding one more Arts & Crafts enrichment program for him, and the hubby retorted back insanely, "How many days do you want to keep him occupied?" He currently attends gymnastic lessons on Fridays, Phonics classes on Tuesday and Thursday and right brain training (Shichida) on Saturday. If I may, the Arts & Crafts lesson will fit in 'nicely' on Sundays. Ahhh... I must have been really good at time management.

Poor boy cannot even talk at 17 months, slow speech development maybe, or probably because he didn't want to speak. He would sometimes run to the back of the class and sat there, quietly. Now, L is an extremely boisterous and active toddler. I didn't understand why he would do that. I was convinced (at a point of time) that enough simply wasn't adequate. Now, I am beginning to see things from a different light.

We also started off as silly Parent Volunteers in a school that I previously taught in where having volunteers was simply redundant with the abundance of 'talents' and 'resources' the school already has.

I am now baffled at the things I do. L has since stopped all enrichment programs (well, almost). You see, we grew up in a system where merit like candies, were given to entice people who do well academically but I have missed out so much, so so much that I wish I could redo parenting all over again. The boy is now 17months, and he is so troubled. What sort of programs would I have enrolled him in if I had stayed on for a couple more years? It is precisely because I despise the system that I left teaching, only to realized I am part of the greater evil.

Now, back to where I was. As the days drew near, I have become so afraid to make the first move. What if I compromise on L's quality of living? What if he is in fact better off in a country where creativity is being slaughtered every single second? What if we didn't pull through and end up in dire state thereafter? There are so many what ifs, but not an answer I can find. How did you convince yourself that leaving was in fact, the best thing for Albany? I feel like a selfish parent, I am leaving because I cannot stand the obnoxious state of the country, but I cannot help but think that I should not be making this decision for L.

The hubb and I could survive on basically, any jobs, but I was worried I wouldn't do L justice. As a parent (with a toddler), I am beginning to worry about the undesirable circumstances that I may be subjecting the LO to. Maybe its the pessimistic devil playing tricks with me. Both of us are convinced that we should not subject L to what we went through (pretty much really just everything) and of course our own issues of surviving in SG. Don't get me wrong, we are not starving, but we are not rich either.

We are the sandwiched middle class.

Having to pull through with the odds against our favour is somewhat tiring. Stressful jobs, never- ending bills, expensive cars, hot and humid weather, huge mortgage loan from a resale flat bought at the wrong time, minimum CPF sum, MOE, really, I could go on. The thought about leaving stems from the fact that WE HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE at all. Others have comfortable life and fantastic jobs, well, we are so- so. 吃不饱，饿不死 civil servants.

So when the thought of migration sprung up, we said to ourselves, "why not?" and that was it.

Now, we are just afraid that L may not be as adaptable as we are. Could you share the problems you both had with Albany and some of the problems young parents (we are in our late twenties) may face migrating to a foreign country?

Many thanks for hearing me out. All the best to you both and Albany. She sure is a delightful addition :)

Rgds

Gobbledegook

Hi Gobbledegook,

First of all, is this your son? If so, I'd love to meet him. Secondly, what the fuck. Sorry for being rude but seriously? Subjecting your son to some quirky methods then training him to be an acrobat who can paint a picture while he does his flips on the trapeze at 6 months old? If I were L, I wouldn't even want to talk to you at 48 months! Look, I'm not questioning your parenting style because the last thing I'll appreciate from anyone is how I should be parenting my own daughter. Normally I would have kept my opinion to myself no matter how disagreeable I was hearing the parenting methods of the others. 

I'll share my account of the problems we have been facing as parents as you requested. Since we came to Perth 5 months into our pregnancy with Albany, by the time she was born we were in Perth for less than 6 months. Being so new to the country at that stage, I had to juggle between struggling to understand how things worked here and being a parent with no prior training. (never even took care of niece or nephew) We did not have our parents or friends to lend a helping hand. Other than my landlady, Patrick was my only friend. (I'm not spongebob though) In such a situation, the hard knocks we took was endless but our marriage was fortified from this experience because we held our hands together and kept walking. I feel that elaboration of the problems is unnecessary because everyone faces different issues at different places. Instead I want to share with you on hindsight, the lesson I learnt as a parent.

In the first year, I subjected myself to physical work that I had never done before because they paid well and were willing to give me a go despite my obvious lack of experience. With my newborn in mind, I took on the physical punishment with scant regard. Parents being parents, our worries tend to make us behave irrationally. In that sense, your love for your child is undoubtedly immense, given the fact you prepared that many insane ideas for him. Most of the time we didn't even look at ourselves and realise what we did was unnecessary.

Truth to be told, I've yet to meet Singaporean parent who told me his or her child was unable to adapt to Perth. Having a child to declare, "Mum, I DON'T want to return to Singapore!" is not even a matter of question but a matter of time. Some kids take longer, some almost instantaneously but all in eventuality. A young child with an open learning mind will adapt even if you take him to uncharted land in Africa. Parents are the ones with gripe and untold fears of the beyond in their minds. If you trust my word, both your husband and you should worry about yourselves. We will have to manage ourselves well in order to go through a virgin uprooting process with minimal distress. Managing our expectations and ditching old mentalities will be a big step forward in achieving that.

In my opinion, part of the obnoxious state of Singapore is contributed by the mentality and the attitude of young parents. If you want a breakaway from psychotic hysteria, do yourselves a favour by letting it all go. It will be absolutely pointless to break your physical ties but taking along all the mental baggage along with you because wherever you go, the miasma besiege you. Only then you'll fully understand what your son needs at this stage is more of you and less of everything else. Denying him that will be the true injustice you'll be inflicting on him. Regardless of how the demands of our eras differ from our kids, the kids will learn to cope well with everything society throws at them, except for parenting fatuousness.

I think I'll limit myself to a single outburst. Apologies for my honest views, which no doubt will offend many Singaporean parents. Thank for you giving me the chance to let out pent up feelings about this topic.

asingaporeanson