A Singaporean In Australia

Well, I know this isn't the cheapest deal out there but a sale is a sale. I got myself to blame for not stocking up when these guys were hawking a Oil+Filter package for $20 flat. Instead, I paid $10 for my oil filter so my outlay was $25.00.

That certainly beat sending the car to the mechs for servicing. I just want to get the oil change. There is nothing wrong with Mighty Khellendros otherwise. I have heard different variations when it comes to an innocent "car servicing" bill. At the minimum it would be at the low $100s, since mechanics will charge an hour of labour at $60-80/hour, depending on which one you go to. Slap another $30-50 on oil, filter, dirty oil disposal charge and GST, there you go, $100-$130. For some others who got more service than they bargained for, getting 8 points, 10 points check or whatever shit, the sky is the limit when it comes to the final bill. Remember, all you need is just to change the engine oil at this juncture. I have no problem with getting the pros do the major serving or parts change. However, every man should change his engine oil himself. Always.

So me, the pissed poor peasant of Perth, decided to do it myself. You know, you should do that too, if your car is no longer some sort of extended warranty that covers servicing for X number of years. I don't buy the idea of having an impressive logbook record for the purpose of selling your car at a higher price. Firstly, servicing records are at best, a selling point not a feature. It will most definitely not recoup you the same amount of money you invested in keeping a logbook consistently updated by a mechanic when you are selling your car. Take for example, if you are selling a 10 year old car that you had serviced for 20 times, spending say, $100 more at a workshop than doing it yourself, make a guess if you will be able to ask for 20 x $100 = $2,000 more on your asking price? Mighty Khellendros was one of those with full service history at a Honda dealer. That helped swayed my mind by giving me a bit of assurance that the car should had been well maintained but it didn't stop me to slash the buying price as low as I could and settle for $3,900. If the seller asked me to top up $2,000 more for his full service records, guess which finger I would have shown him?

Anyway, the point is - if you are getting a mech to change your engine oil with 'easy selling' in mind, you are wrong. It doesn't work that way in the used car market. If you have been getting a mech to do it because you don't know how - or think it is a hassle to do so - then perhaps it is time to change your perspective. By actually doing it to see it yourself.

It literally took me 5 minutes to jack the car, slip a tray below, remove the drain plug. I was lucky with the filter because I managed to break the torque (with some elbow grease admittedly) with one hand. It took me much longer when I tried doing it with Ugly Green, one of the most awkwardly positioned oil filter that I ever saw so far. Then I left it to drain and went to work. During my break, I came back to put on a new filter, tightened the drain plug, wipe clean and fill the engine oil I bought the day before. All done and good to go. It probably took me 0.25 manhour. If I wasn't so lucky with the oil filter, maybe 0.5. Or if I have been really unfamiliar or am a first timer, then 1 hour to do the damn thing but so what? One thing for sure, practice makes perfect and you will only end up doing it faster each time. Once you have done it, you will wonder why don't you drain the engine oil, pay for a $60/hour massage, come back and complete the work and go home with $40 more in the pocket than if you sent that car into the workshop.

No kaki doing these shit with over here. What a shame.

Meanwhile, I finally saw fuel price below $1.00/L but that wasn't good enough because it was an after-discount price. With oil price diving, I expect to see this going before $1.00 (without discount) before any possible rebound.

Perhaps due to a poor economy here, I observe more people being more price conscious at the pump. Previously, I noticed healthy queues at fuel stations even at their "high price" days and couldn't understand why. I guessed people were simply bo chup about the odd dollar or two extra to pay for convenience's sake. These days, I noted empty stations at "high price" days and longer queues on the "best price" day. Either the bad economy is hitting people's pockets or everyone has become my blog reader and agree than paying extra for fuel is the stupidest thing to do.

One advance tip for peasants trying to save a few pennies on "best price" days. If you have to queue damn long to get your tank filled, that is not time well spent and your savings may not be worth it. I have been lucky enough to fill my tanks at 5+ am in the morning on the way to work where queues have been virtually non-existent. 

I have been confused by the school system here but have never gotten around figuring it out. Until today. That is because little Albany is going to school from tomorrow onward. We enrolled her at a public school within a walking distance from where we live. I was told by lots of people that the suburb I am living in is a bad one. You know, high crime rate (debunked), high presence of Muslim and Aborigines community etc. the usual shit. In general, Asian (actually probably Singaporean) parents tend to avoid sending their kids to schools within suburbs with such reputations. Not me. These are totally fine by me. Will not be moving to Canningvale (New Singapore) because of these.

So forward and onward, Albany shall attend the public-independent school within walking distance, because it is within walking distance. I have no idea what is the difference between a normal public school and a public-independent school. All I know is I cannot afford to send my kids to private schools. So any public school will suffice, especially so since the school Albany is going to is one I have been driving past every day on my way home from work. No unruly school children, or idiots darting onto service roads abutting the school like what we used to do during our Primary School days in Singapore. The school compound is old but large and spacious. Facilities are well maintained so the age of school doesn't matter.

I shall share what I learnt, it may come useful for any clueless parents of young kids coming my way.

The batch of children for each intake has a cut-off date on the 1st of July, so registration for school will take place by June/July. This is unlike in Singapore where we simply took in a batch from 1st Jan to 31 Dec. I am not sure what is the purpose of such arrangement. I have heard comments from slightly annoyed Singaporean parents who lamented that their kids are "slower" because they are born after the 1st of July and have to start school 1 year later then their age equivalence peers in Singapore. Duh. Oh come on. Anyway, this is what I figured out how it should look like:

Parents are encouraged to to do "voluntary contributions" to the school. That is a polite way of putting things because parents have to contribute somehow because it is for the implementation and resourcing of additional programs carried out during the year. Let's just regard it as school fees for simplicity's sake.

The cost of contribution is $60 per child per year for this school. Some schools only require $50, the others may be more or less but the variance should not be too high across all public schools. Private schools though, you don't want to know. If you are filthy rich to consider sending all your kids to private schools, you probably don't care about that extra $1000 difference across different schools anyway.

Some schools require children to attend school in official uniform (pretty much like Singapore schools). Other schools only require children to come in similar coloured clothing. Since this school allows us to clad Albany in own clothes, we opted out of buying the official uniform with the school logo. Besides, we will have to move her to another neighbourhood school when we shift house in a few month's time. So old uniforms will not be reusable due to difference in colour.

The cost of raising a kid is very high indeed. How does that compare to Singapore at this level though? I don't have the figures.

I gave mum a call on Monday. Upon hearing my voice she exclaimed, "Aiyah, why you never call back for me to wish you happy birthday?" I laughed and told her a belated one was fine too but she insisted there was a difference. I thought about it for a while and saw her point. Mum did not know how to call me overseas so she has always been waiting for me to call her each time. If were in the same situation, would I like my kids, grown up and moved out, to call me on their birthdays? I thought I would.

I told mum that Monday was a more important day than my birthday. It was little Albany's first day at school. Mum laughed and began to relate stories about my very own first day at the Kindergarten. I was a year older than Albany when I was enrolled into a "Playing Class" for 5 years old. It has been astonishing how I seem to have completely forgotten what happened to me when I was a young boy. For some reason, I have little recollection about any detail of my life before 7 years old. Was I abducted by aliens at one stage, only be be purged and memory cleansed due to a QC rejection? Or did I went through some sort of "National Education" by the PAP and got my brains fried? I guess that is a mystery I will never figure out.

Anyway, mum's tales of what happened to me on my first day of Kindy was extremely amusing for her but alarming for me.

Well, let's talk about little Albany first. According to Jen, she woke up enthusiastic about the day, brushed her teeth and changed into her school colours herself. Then she took breakfast promptly, went down and wore her shoes. In school she bid Jen goodbye and joined her class without a fuss. She told me she enjoyed the activities in school but admitted she cried once because she wet her pants. I consoled her and tried observing if she felt embarrassed in case that incident deterred her from going to school the next day. It didn't affect her. She looked at me in the eyes and told me as-a-matter-of-factly,"I shh shh underwear because my pants was too tight. I couldn't remove it on time." Then I found out Jen had tied a dead knot in her pants, thinking it was still loose enough for Albany to slip out. Apparently, that wasn't the case. So we gave Albany a crash course in basic knots. She took a deep interest in it but could not master it in time before bed time because her hands were too small to handle a shoelace bow. So Jen made sure she left the strings alone and Albany went through her second day smoothly without a wet drama.

Her dad's first day though, as told my grandma....

I was very attached to my 2nd sis when I was young. My mum said, I would go anywhere if I was told that my 2nd sister was going. However, even when Mum used 2nd sister as a prompt, I could not be persuaded to go to school. I was being mentally prepared more than a week prior to school but each time I would kick up a fuss and refused to go. On the actual day, mum had to bring me to the kindergarten on the pretext that we were fetching my sister from the bus stop. I started to wail the house down when she popped me into the kindergarten. She said my cries were so loud that she could hear it as she round Blk 14 until she got to the other side of the building, where parents would peek through the glass to observe their children.

It was the kind of old school wired glass louvers (left) all of us old farts were familiar with. According to mum, I realised she was standing at the glass and I started to climb up to the window and began to tap at the glass panels crying for her to rescue me from the PAP Kindergarten hell. Shrug, I guessed I knew what I didn't like right from the start.

My taps turned to slams. Alarmed, the teacher had to shut the windows and whisk me away to prevent an inevitable breaking of a glass panel. One by one, the parents left, slightly annoyed that they were unable to peek at their kids because one crazy kid decided to hit on glass. Mum said it took me awhile to be brainwashed into accepting the PAP kindergarten. By Friday, I was fully sold and began to look forward to the day I grow up so that I could serve the fucking army.

If I were to compare our First Day Report Card, things would look really ugly.

The heavens had mercy on me. After being subjected to sauna conditions at work the entire week, I got to enjoy a rare bout of Summer rain. Despite the rather accurate weather forecast here in Perth, I brought my family out anyway. No, there was no need to stay indoors just because the place did not have any covered link ways, or much covered car parks at all. I was lucky (old) enough to live life without all these luxuries in Singapore. In a country with much higher rainfall, dealing with rainy days were part and parcel of life. Besides, we had the luxury of owning a car here. Mobile covered linkway.

After visiting the land and dancing around the bricks and pavings on it, we dropped by a shop to get some fruits and bread to complement the food we brought for a picnic. While driving off, I searched for a random nearby park to have our breakfast at. That was how we ended up at Altone Park. We had breakfast while Albany played in the play ground. There were 3 groups of children with Albany. 2 Asian boys with a mother who spoke Mandarin, 2 Aussie girls and another 2 children with parents who spoke Korean. The children played and shared facilities. It was easier to co-exist when there was more space per person. That was the reason, from my observations, why people generally still treat one another nice enough on roads, public places or in the suburbs. The higher the population density, the lower the tolerance people have towards one another. Thus, it is probably a place like NT to have less friction among people to a city like Sydney.

We decided that it was likely that we would get caught in the rain so we planned our exit strategy. Jen was to move to Ugly Green to feed the baby. Albany and I would join them after Albany finally finish up her jelly. They made it to the car before the rain started falling, leaving Albany and I stranded in the little shelter. All other families packed and ran off quickly, causing Albany to urge me to do the same. "No, Albany. Let's wait for the rain to stop," I told her. 

That would be the first time we were caught in the rain. We might as well enjoy the experience. Albany wanted to touch the rain so I let her. Soon we cuddled tightly on the bench like silly koalas, cracking nonsensical jokes about the rain. Albany commented that we were the only people left within the area and she was right. Everyone had disappeared out of sight. Even the birds had taken flight and fled the scene to take shelter at a better place elsewhere.

The rain didn't do any harm at all. Not only it cooled down what might be another warm Summer day, it kept the flies at bay too, leaving a pleasant few minutes for us to enjoy alone. 

Before long, it was time to return to the car to check out Jen and baby. Rain rarely last more than a few minutes here, except for those odd thunderstorm once in a blue moon. If you have a few minutes to spare, it is actually a better idea to wait for it to stop than to run through the rain.

We made it to the car without getting wet and moved on. Earlier, I was surprised to see so many markets in that region advertising on their community newspaper. The competition there was much stiffer than the southern region that we currently live at. With higher competition, I could really see a big difference in pricing, while everyone was fighting for their share of market capacity. 

So we drove to a place 5 minutes away to take a look what the fuss was all about, since they advertised fruits and vegetables at a price I would never find in the south. It was a place called Benera Fresh. We were surprised to find many cars at their yard but was lucky enough to get one immediately. The shop had a hippie looking business signage which mentioned they carried organic stuff in their shop.

Well they had grapes at a good price. They didn't taste like those famous "lychee" grapes or something in Swan Valley. I was told those grapes tasted like lychees. These didn't. Instead, they tasted like ... grapes .. and since they were firm and fresh, I helped myself to a nice portion.

After I moved to Perth, nectarines became one of my favourite fruits because the ripe ones simply taste divine. During the nectarine seasons, I would buy them regularly to enjoy during those warm afternoons. They would be affordable at $3-5 per kg so I couldn't resist getting some of these at that price (look above). Hope the quality was good. That was the whole point of trying them wasn't it?

Too lazy to cook, we decided to eat out for the first time in months. Jen said since it was my birthday, I was "king" and got to decided. So I got her to decide and she chose KFC over Hungry Jacks. The KFC was one of those typical joints peppered all over Perth. They were tiny but functional. We were the only walk-in customers when we entered the place. I noticed a LONG queue of cars at the drive-thru behind the shop though. I bet I would get my food before any of them, really. That was the difference in culture over here. In fact, I almost could not locate the main entrance of the KFC from the car park. There was also no foot path leading to it nor an entry point among the hedge abutting pavement to save walk-in customers a detour. Even walk-in customers were expected to drive, park and went through.

It was worth repeating that fast food joints here provided no free sauce. Most customers would not pay for sauce anyway. They are mostly takeaway customers with gallons of sauces at home to complement their food. Tourists from Singapore will undoubtedly have a gripe. That's the way it is for now.

Albany refused chicken several times after being offered by both Jen and I. It might be the second time she ever dine in a KFC joint before. The first time was when we took Tucky to have a quick bite and a tabao for his meal-less plane ride before he flew home. Back then, Albany was barely two years old and ate nothing but mushrooms and hashbrowns offered by Tucky. Until now, Albany does not recognise the KFC brand. I suppose that isn't really a bad thing. I actually had my first KFC meal in Singapore when I was in primary school. I still grow up laden with cholesterol. There is no hurry for such things really.

That afternoon, I enjoyed a 3 hour nap after we reached home and woke to a birthday cake that I told Jen not to go through the fuss to make. Little Albany seemed to enjoy that tremendously. That was good enough a birthday, falling on a Saturday for the first time in forever. With the temperature reduced to 20s, there wasn't much more I could have asked for. 

He wasn't born bigger than his sister but he soon ballooned to a "good size", that would be how the locals would describe him. Every time Jen came back from the child health nurse, she would inform me that Pui Pui was in the 85% percentile of local babies in terms of weight. Indeed, my boy felt heavy and looked twice the size of babies around his age. As Pat would always say during Albany's earlier age, "They need these stored food to grow." He wasn't wrong. Albany, a pui pui herself in her earlier years, is looking considerably less chubby by now. Though she isn't pencil thin like some of her peers around this age, she look healthy and really cute. Well, every parent thinks his or her child is the cutest out there (that's why all of them are wrong). That is just the way it is.

Pui Pui himself is a cute baby. After a month or two being a grouchy looking baby, he learnt how to smile all of a sudden. Every time I came back from work and peered into his cot, he would take 5 seconds for his face recognition app to activate and would began to smile and look really pleased. I reckon he likes me. We should have a good few years ahead, at least until he becomes a smart mouth we start pissing each other off that is.

After observing how Albany retained a lot of her personality traits I saw in her when she was a baby, Pui Pui will grow up to be quite a different character if the trend continues. He will be softer and less expressive yet as cheeky as his sister, if not more. Like Albany, he seems to have inherited much of Jen's character traits. It is too early to say for sure but the signs are looking good. I predict my kids will not turn out that bad after all. All I need to do from now on is to keep my bad influence on them to the minimal.

I was asked about Pui Pui's nationality umpteenth times before. Since Australia offered his a citizenship, I believe I should leave it as that. I've heard countless accounts of problems with people holding dual-citizenships, especially when one of the countries involved were insecure enough to force these specimens to give up his citizenship in order to retain the other. To avoid potential anguish, let's just keep things simple. I am busy enough tracking the validity of my own Exit Permits.

I dread the day when Pui Pui comes home and greets me with a "Hi-mite." I hope he kicks round balls instead of awkward oval shaped ones so that I can join him for a kick about before my legs cannot support my fat ass anymore. To be honest, I spent very little time over meaningless speculations like that. To some extent, it is underwhelming being a 2nd time parent. The problems with having more kids can be exponential. The notion of easier parenting due to economy of scale is a fat blatant lie. Try explaining to me how economy of scale works for child care, for a start. Parents also do not grow 2 extra arms and another set of eyes after the birth of each child.

Still we will somehow survive. I don't know how. I had none of the answers when I migrated to Perth with Jen and I still don't. I guess it isn't about finding answers after all. What if life is the question all along and the answer is simply, live?

Altone Park is just one of the hundreds of parks around the state. This isn't a special feature on the park. In fact it was because Altone Park was so ordinary that I would like to take the opportunity to introduce the concepts behind the parks in Perth. I feel that parks in Perth are grossly under rated by Singaporeans in general. The reason is simple. Our parks in Singapore leave much to be desired. Thus few Singaporean tourist will consider visiting an ordinary neighbhood park as part of his itinerary.

Allow me to explain. Our NParks will be the first to refute my claim. How dare I suggest that our parks in Singapore are sub-standard. Every single one of our parks was considered designed and built with top quality materials. Each of them is meticulously maintained by parks officers on regular basis to remain in tip top condition, right down to the last blade of Axonopus compressus. However, that is not what I have in mind. In fact, most parks in Perth pales in comparison to their Singapore counterparts when it comes to the generous usage of superior building materials. A shed will be a simply designed four columns hardly connected by cross beams hardly even comprising of a complete truss and clad with barely a colourbond sheet. Playgrounds were simple and modest. There hardly signages, plaques, monuments, designer sculptors nor water features. It almost cry, "Boring!" to most Singaporeans. Features, if any, are placed sparsely and sparingly in an almost zen-like style.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what it is all about.

A good park takes your mind to a state of peace and calm. Although it is public, it should be private at the same time and pleasant to use. It should be closer to a changing room in a boutique on during at 10am in the morning than a public toilet in an MRT station during peak hours. A good park captures the imagination of the young and old by providing privacy to his or her body and soul. It should be a tenant and not a landlord of nature. 

Based on these 3 simple rules, most of the parks in Singapore would have failed in their core purpose. They would be there for the sake of it or to make up the numbers for green space tabulations though it is not entirely the fault of NParks. Space in Singapore is simply too big a constraint for anything that is economically unprofitable for the government to be made a priority of. So we end up having things that are better than nothing (take a look at some of those PCNs will ya?) yet heavily acclaimed as the next thing to heaven. Since Singaporeans bought into the ideas that they have access to world class parks (we call ourselves a Garden City you know) and subconsciously think nothing much about them, it is hardly a surprise hardly anyone will want to visit an ordinary park in a ordinary neighborhood overseas.

I even know Singaporeans who migrated to Perth for more than a year who have not visited any parks to have a BBQ. Friends who visited Perth and bunked in with my family to catch up or save accommodation cost were made to go to a park with me, if their stays were long enough. I insisted. One friend who said she might visit again in future declared, "Let's have another BBQ in a park!" I see that I had gotten one to see the magic in the gardens.

Well, the foremost purpose of a park is to weed out the stress in their visitors' mind.

The ease of parking is a good start. A "free parking" car park with no lots free at any time or causing unnecessary waiting for a lot is not good enough. A paying car park is worse. You will want to decide how long you want to hang around the park, not how long your cashcard allows you to. Even if you are loaded and a few dollars are nothing to you, just ask yourself this, "Wouldn't you feel better if you don't have to bother about parking fees?" You would. I know because my cars have no IU nor parking coupons in them for the 4 years I have been here and long may it continues.

Nature is second nature to parks in Perth. Here for example in Altone Park, a tiny lake that provided an ecosystem to animals and birds. Every park I have visited provided me with sounds of nature and visual enjoyment. On some days, you will see wild ducks waddling by in single files or a skein of geese taking a break by the edge of the waters. There are many parks along the Swan River where you can spot wild dolphins on a lucky day. In Singapore we have MacRitchie Reservoir, Sungei Buloh and a (small) part of Pasir Ris Park that is worth the salt. Unfortunately they are unable to bring nature into the neighbourhood parks the same way. It isn't the fault of NParks. Like I mentioned earlier, we have different priorities in Singapore. Also, these ducks and geese will probably end up in some people's oven in Singapore if they do not get culled first. Most of these mechanical parks in Singapore is not much different from Road Safety Park. (Yes, they even define that as a park)

BBQ stations will indefinitely to be found at any local parks in Perth. I mean, these guys would rather BBQ in the city than to watch a communist parade on their National Day. BBQ is the thing in Perth. Most of them are clean and ready to be used whenever you free hungry. In normal everyday parks, the pits are almost always available. In popular parks, these stations are always firing but the good news is, users are willing to share or finish up and let you have your turn soon enough. No man is left hungry.

Well if things are not good enough, these BBQ stations do not require pre-booking and are free to use. Just press a button and fire away. The first time I saw something like that in Singapore was a BBQ pit in West Coast where we had to dong 20 cents to keep it running for X minutes. What a fucking joke! There are too many things for a hungry man to worry about than 20 cent coins. If I met the guy who came up with that concept, I will shove a dollar note into that his throat.

Didn't I mention about freeing the mind? Visit a park in Perth, soak up in nature, meditate if you want, cook and eat if you are hungry, under the cool, revitalising breeze in the great Perth Autumn. That is something that money cannot buy, apparently, in some richest country in the world up North.

From my observations, parents start getting impatient or even irritated with their 4 year olds on regular basis. Gone were the days where parents talk cutesy with their toddlers or babies. It used to be a thrill to witness them do something for the first time. Then we reward our cuteness overdose with hugs and kisses. As the babies grow up, the niceties gradually turn in short, curt remarks, sometimes even an injection of sarcasm.  Attention showers are no more. Often instead, 4 year olds have to tell or even yell at their parents to, "Look (at what I'm doing) mummy!" The chances of getting snapped at are probably higher than a sign of approval. They simply do not get the same adoration from adults for doing anything anymore. Parents and adults are fickle minded bastards, the growing kid learns that quickly.

4 years is an interesting age for a clueless dad like me. Albany still behave like a two year old at times, mewing and sprawling around. The next minute, she would be telling me what she thought of my behavior in a dead serious tone in an accent unrecognisable from her parents. She has passed the stage of mimicking words and phrases she heard before. It is the stage when she is beginning to express her original thoughts and feelings. I found myself often staring at her idiotically after she said something that caught me by surprise. Then I found myself paying a lot more attention to her whenever she speaks. I am no longer just hearing her babbling along during her toddler days but listening to her intently. I think this is a phase where I can go a level beyond observing her personality and habits. It is a stage where I can understand her by having meaningful conversations.

This morning, I woke early at 4:50am with an aching body. It had been a busy week at work, always a great thing because it didn't feel like I would have to look for the next job soon like how it felt during the quieter months last year. Since I dozed off with Albany at 7pm, I had adequate sleep despite how the body aches seemed to suggest otherwise. It was my birthday after all and very rarely, I could hardly recall the last time, it fell on a Saturday. I am not one who thinks birthday is a big deal but I do cherish it like a personal identity, as opposed to the NRIC number I was given - which seems more like a mark of a cog.

Then here I am, having breakfast with little Albany at 7am, who is the only one up at this time. We are actually having a chat, just like Jen and I used to do during breakfasts. Before long, Albany brushed her teeth and got dressed by herself. Then she woke her mummy and started helping out in chores such as bringing out a bag of soiled nappies and clearing her dishes she had her breakfast with earlier. I am beginning to think being a parent is not as bad as I always think.

"Ok!" shouted Albany with two hands in the air. I think it is time to bring the family out. 7:40am. This day should be good.

Dear R,

Since you are a Singaporean son, there is no need for me to mince my words. You understand my lingo. Fucked up military or whatever, one great thing we learn from the army is, "Do anything you want but don't get caught." Golden rule.

Littering is prohibited in Singapore and there is a consequence to face if you get caught. Do people litter? Yes. Singapore literally rain litter. Just take a walk around HDB flats at 3am in the morning before the Wall-Es start work. Do people get caught for littering? Of course. All the time. Fine. Public shaming. Whatever needs to be done has been done, except for putting the death penalty on litter bugs. Result? Littering continues.

The consequences of being caught holding a dual-citizenship may be a lot more serious than littering. According to Article 134(1)(a) Constitution of the Republic of Singapore, your citizenship may be revoked. You may probably be given a chance to decide which citizenship to retain and should you not choose Singapore, they will make an order to cease your citizenship with immediate effect. You will then be required to remove all your privileges, such as selling your HDB flat (if any), no longer be able to serve the nation in the army (so sad) as well as being kicked out as a member of the CPF Board. (and therefore no longer enjoy 2.5% interest on your OA) You will then be asked to fuck off to which country you belong with all your CPF money. Such harsh punishments indeed dwarf those of being caught littering so excuse me for citing a poor example above.

Enough of highlighting to you the dire consequences of being caught. I am coming to your question - What are the chances of being caught?

It is impossible to put this down in figures. Take littering for example, if both of us commit a littering offence, the chances of you being caught by an NEA officer may be higher than me. That is because before I litter, I estimate the percentages of a NEA officer being nearby at multiple axis and evaluate if there are adequate blind spots to veil my heinous sin for each of them. When I was unemployed in 2008 and bua long long went for a walk downstairs, I overheard a office lady telling her friend, "Littering creates jobs mah!" That sound so in sync with what our Prime Minister once wisely said, "Foreign workers help create good jobs for Singaporeans." I am a proud creator of jobs. I am not so sure how adept you are in reducing probability. You know, for a start, you should not tell anyone about your intention to litter if you want to litter. Not even your trusty overseas friend, asingaporeanson.

I'd assume it is also common sense not to travel into Singapore using your Australia passport (when you have it). You don't want to hear, "Aye bang! You Singaporean or Australian?" That is when you know you are fucked. Pin your pink NRIC on your shirt whenever you go when you return to Singapore for visit. Order your Cai Png in Hokkien and never call your Tze Char uncle, "Mate." Say Thank you, not Ta. Say keng MC not chuck a sickie. Use everything red from passport to IC to underwear. Blue is no-no. So say you have Monday Red. Give no one your foreign address or contact number. Tell no one your favourite animal is Koala.

If I am the only person who knows your evil plot, be sure I am the last. Forget about exterminating me either. If I could evade NEA officers all my life, you are of little threat to me. Besides, I will keep you anonymous so that you can go about doing your thing safely. However, if you breathe another word of this to another, the warranty is void.

There are grandmasters who have walked the path for decades. They are not difficult to seek out. With luck, I managed to coax some words of wisdom from a grandmaster. He said, "Do not stir shit."

You know, grandmaster was right. Put yourself in the shoes of the government. There can only be advantages for them to act blur even if they know you hold a dual citizenship. You will be overseas most of the them. That means you are unlikely to vote against them in a GE. The chances are, you are already disqualified from voting. Two, they can retain your CPF money. Who will voluntarily surrender funds that can be used to help them make more money? There is no benefit for them doing so. So do not force their hands or go asking them for it. Lastly, you need to understand civil service 1.01. If no one complains about you to them, who the fuck is so free to investigate you? So, don't get complained. 

All persons, references, examples and acronyms above are fictional and any resemblence is a coincidence and should not be taken seriously. You didn't read this.

How to get caught

Lately the brain has been in terrible form.

Weariness or aging, that doesn't bode well.

Fortunately the errors at work were reversible. My wife was in magnanimous mood and reminded me we are married for 6 years and not 5. Satki Yoda rewrote the tax calculations for me to copy and paste and save me lotsa time running through it again and the claim was properly settled by the wife. With air temperature running at a fine 17 degrees Celsius tonight, my creaking brain seems to be making less noise. This post is going to be alright.

Encik G has been giving me some insights on landlording and stuff and how those relate to a retirement strategy as a whole. In his summary, I gathered that having a strong passive income and a government pension scheme are mutually exclusive. Since this is the first time I read about pension stuff in Australia, the information I can absorb is not going to be exhaustive. That is not going to change unless I start somewhere.

As time goes by, hopefully, I will be able to have a strong grasp of what's happening. That has always been the way I do things and that was how we figure out how to submit a PR application here ourselves, tax submission and other government documents. Reading up yourself is always the best thing you can do. Only then, you can avoid being confused by hearsay. Hearsay is good as a point of reference but often inaccurate due to misrepresentation or misinterpretation. The good thing about government websites in Australia is that things are transparent. They try to simplify things to avoid adding to the information overload and can end up vague at times. Nonetheless, if one has the patience to wade through these, it will be highly beneficial to him or her.

Long shitty intro aside, here are the pension basics I need to know.

Age requirements

Like Singapore, the Australian government has been increasing age eligibility limits for Age Pension. By 2023, the eligible age will be increase from 65 to 67 years old. Since I am not retiring at 2023, I can expect this figure to be much higher by the time I am, or worse, totally removed as a benefit due to insustainability. That itself is a reason big enough for me not to rely on this scheme as part of a retirement strategy. In fact, nobody should do that. This should be regarded as a last resort or a safety net if things go horribly wrong in future. That is the reason why we need to talk about retirement strategies - to prevent things from going horribly wrong.

Residence requirements

Being an Australia resident for a continuous period of at least 10 years, or for a number of periods that total more than 10 years with one of the periods being at least 5 years. Straight forward enough. Basically they are saying, if you cannot make up your mind being committed to this country, you don't get pension. For migrants around my age, they will easily meet this requirements twice fold or more by the time they retire.

Income test

This is where things are starting to get interesting. Unless you are permanently blind at the point of application, you are subjected to an income test. This may end up useful for me after all, if constant online gaming after retirement makes me blind. Otherwise, 

The income test for a single retiree is up to $162 per fortnight. For every dollar over $162, your pension payment will be reduced by 50 cents. What this mean is that if you don't have a single source of income by retirement age, you will get full pension payment (provided you pass the asset test too). If you have a modest income from any kind of investment though, your pension payment will be reduce greatly or even to nothing. This is the reason why Encik G implied that enjoying a good passive income and pension are mutually exclusive.

Take for example, 

If you own a simple apartment that gives you a rental net income (less all expenses) of $300 a week, that works out to be $600 a fortnight. So you will be,

$600 - $162 = $438 over the income limit. 

Since for every dollar over the limit, payment is reduced by 50 cents, 

$438 x 0.5 = $219 will be deducted from your pension payment. 

I assure you, nothing much will be left over, if there is still any at all. Anyway, that is how income test works. So the more income you have, the faster your pension payments evaporates. Simple enough.

Asset test

Too big a topic to include in this post. Require extensive reading about it. To be filled in future

Payment rates for Age Pension

Currently, the maximum rates for a single is $867.00 a fortnight. This figure is already inclusive of energy supplement and pension supplement. That is for retirees who fulfilled the requirements above and had no reduction from both the Income and Asset test. So that works out to $433.5 a week. Not to shabby if we consider we hardly have teeth to eat much by then. If this pension scheme is around by the time I retire, I can survive on such money. Not a problem at all. I might as well go for holidays, drive to Darwin to ka jiao Chiobu Kopimaid and buy a new car every year lah. Worry about properties or stock investments for fark? Problem is I don't trust it to be around. If it is, good but me being me, I'll always assume the worst.

Anyway how does it work out with the example above?

Say if we have an apartment giving us a weekly income of $300/week, we have worked out that is going to cause a $219 reduction in pension payments. By deducting, we will be left with,

$867 - $219 = $648 a fortnight, $324 a week.

On top of that $300 a week rental income,

We will have $324 + $300 = $624 a week.

Hmm, that is still better off than having $433.5 a week to spend. I may even have enough to buy the petrol required to drive to Darwin after all. Accountants, please scrutinize for me again.

All information extracted from
http://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/services/centrelink/age-pension

Here is a piggy bank for you

I still hold a Singapore citizenship.

So getting my children to be educated under the Singapore system remains an option. However, it is an unlikely option I will consider. I have written a few posts explaining why, each time exploring a different spectrum of the problems I see in Singapore education. I've done my fair share of criticism to the MOE but It isn't fair to put the blame solely on the Morons on Ecstasy (MOE) and their teachers. After all, the MOE is one of the micro-organisation within the Singapore system built on a pragmatic framework. 

In the current climate, schools are facing more problems dealing with parents than their children they are supposed to educate. That shouldn't be a surprise, since the tree casts a wider shadow than a seedling. Lines that used to be drawn clearly faded over years of compromising standards. I am surprised this is even happening. 

Look at the SMRT and consider this. Public listed company. A transportation company providing a service. SMRT does not take any shit from the fat customer who complains their seats are too small. SMRT does not adjust their beeps because you are not quick enough to squeeze in before the door closes. Being part of the duo-poly in this industry, it is basically, "Take it or leave it," for you. Not happy? So kiang go and buy COE and get a car lah! Similarly, the MOE has a monopoly over Singaporeans. This is because, to enrol a Singaporean child in international schools required an approval from ... the Morons! Usually, approvals are only granted for the "expatriate" Singaporean whose children have been abroad for years or with learning disabilities. Whichever international schools licensed to accept Singaporeans, we have to pay an arm or leg for it anyway and that brings us back the car and COE that most Singaporeans cannot afford and the SMRT - Take it or leave it.

So it is a surprise that public schools actually gives a shit to parents as though they are big tuition centres. The MOE and the public schools under their umbrella seem confused about what actual roles as educators. How do they define education and what does it constitutes? If the line is clearly drawn, it should include the good ol' public caning, chopping of hair and disciplining of embarrassing parents, such as the couple being interviewed in the article above. Unhappy parents should simple suck it up or consider alternatives instead of thinking that the world will change just for them. Remember how 70% of the Singaporeans voted for the PAP? 30% of the rest were expected to do exactly the same thing - Suck it up or consider alternatives because no one will give a shit (or a lift upgrade) what they think.

It is the norm for parents to distrust MOE teachers for being an upright figure to instill the right values or disciplining their children. One reason could be due to one too many errant teacher or principal being caught in the act. If that is the true reason, the pragmatic approach for the schools should not be the bending over to parents' "feedback." Imagine a parent telling the church to teach his son to sing hymns and leave the preaching to them just because Pastors molest boys. That doesn't make sense at all. Consideration of the parents' demands are out of question. The right thing to do is Pastors to stop molesting boys and MOE to stop hiring teachers who suck.

For parents who think that teachers should only "educate" and leave everything else to someone else, you do not understand the difference between learning and being educated. There is no place better than the school for a child to learn. It was in school, you and I learnt how to cope with stress, embarrassment and shame (your "loss of face"). It was the place we learnt to love and learnt to fall out of love. It was in school we learnt to stand up after a fall every time because we were left with no alternatives, such as an over-protective parent who was all too willing to solve the problem we were supposed to figure out ourselves. It was in school that we learnt how to protect ourselves, cheat, don't get caught and cover one another. That was how we learnt that rules were to be obeyed or face the consequences. It was the place we learnt how to define a worthy friend among the rest. Most importantly, it was the place where we learnt that the world is unfair. The verbs and nouns, x and y, dos and don'ts, are education all right. For everything else, it is your child's to learn. By getting involved, you are impairing his or her learning. What is an education good for if one don't get to learn? Who need bad teachers when they have you as parents?

Encik G the NT Ambassador is a multiple property owner. So there is no one better to seek for wisdom if I want to know anything about investment properties. At the same time I read investment properties is liable to "capital gain tax of 50%" now and then got really frightened off by it. Anyone would. Come on, who wants to get taxed 50% of your profit, right?

After doing some (hours of ) reading at the bloody ATO website, I came to realise it doesn't work like I feared. Well, we still get taxed but it isn't as bad as I initially thought and there are ways to reduce it. First, let's get the Capital Gain Tax (CGT) straightened out. 

Step 1: To calculate Capital Gain (or loss), 

CG = Sold Price - Buy price - All Cost (includes stamp duty, insurance, purchase and selling cost etc etc)

In short, CG = Net profit in business terms. Good thing we can include costs in the capital gain calculations instead of absorbing it painfully.

Step 2: To determine Taxable Capital Gains (TCG)

TCG = CG x 50%

This is what confuses me (and others) initially. Then I found out that the TCG is not what we are paying to the tax office. Rather it is the amount taxable after a "50% discount" (for houses held for at least 1 year).

Step 3: To determine Capital Gain Tax (CGT)

CGT = (marginal tax rate x TCG)

where marginal tax rate is determined by adding CGT to your annual taxable income, which will inevitably increase your tax bracket. Which also mean the best time to sell an IP is when you are unemployed. (I'll write a separate post on that)

Wife reminded me to apply for an Exit Permit and I gave her a grim, "Ok." Grouchy when it comes to such matter.

I should be thankful to her for the timely reminder, for I once got into trouble for clean forgetting about it. Last year, when I return to to Singapore to for a Reunion Dinner with my family that I missed for two years since I left for Perth, I was handed over a carbon printed slip which I recognised too well.

Of course it was a love letter from Mindef. I tell ya, nothing good comes from them. As far as I'm concerned, even some companies that usually send you bills every month will send you something pleasant once in a bluemoon. Like a birthday voucher, or a loyalty discount offer to extend your contract. For Mindef, the receiver should count his blessing the letter wasn't about informing him he was to report to X camp to be charged with X offence. The other usual shit will be returning to camp for ICT or something. I know many NS men actually like that. They enjoy returning to the army for ICT and even go as far as calling people like me "chao keng." When I asked them why they like going back for ICT to roll in the mud, they told me, "Good what, no need to face my boss and I get paid." Ok. So the fucking work chao kengers were calling the likes of me a fucking army chao kenger. Sure, tell me about serving the nation. That'll usually come after you get caught out within your flawed logic as a form of smoke bomb so that you can remain looking holy. Tell ya what boys, I'll let you occupy your moral high grounds, if that makes you feel better.

Folks like those will be telling me that it is perfectly logical for people who have emigrated to another country permanently to carry on their obligations to Mindef, such as in this case applying for an Exit Permit annually. To furnish Mindef of my overseas residential address and contact number. I struggle to think of a logical reason to do this. So that I could be called back to fight when Singapore is involved in a war? I wonder if Scoot actually flies from Perth to Singapore during war. I hope so. Else I regret to inform that the SAF only taught me how to cross a river not a bloody ocean. So tell me if there is a better reason for keeping contact other than "in case of war" - which I will not be able to return to Singapore in time anyway? To send me Pioneer magazines? 

Even at middle age as I am, I am still being treated like a juvenile like Amos Yee, reporting to Bedok Police Post or something on regular basis. I feel like a criminal released on probation having to report to an authority on regular basis.

Look, I am not arguing for nothing. It is important for Mindef to know how many reserve soldiers they can call back at any time. Only with accurate figures, can we make the best decisions and deploy the correct course of actions. All the more, Mindef should be not be deluded thinking they have more soldiers at their disposal than they think. The way Mindef is conducting their overseas notifications tells me they are certainly into skewing numbers for a false sense of gratification. 

If there is an option for me to click "Forever" in the "to" field of my Exit Permit, I'll hit that hard, twice, just to send the message across once and for all. But no - I am still required to do this once every year or two. If "forever" isn't an option, then 10 year block would be nice. No, forget it. a 5 year block will be good enough, lest Mindef is reminded of a 10 year COE and start charging NS men $60,000 to apply for a 10 year Exit Permit.

Initially, I posted this screenshot on the blog, tagged under the "Information" label so that I can refer to when I have (inevitably) long forget the expiry date of my permit. When the uneasy nagging feeling that someone back in Singapore are typing a letter to charge me for not applying for an Exit Permit, I'll search for the post, get my date and extend my permit. I thought I would publish the post with no words but look what happened. I guess I have too much bottomed inside.

When I first came to Perth I was at my prime age. After spending 4 years, I feel my prime years slipping by and with my birthday coming up in a few days time, I already feel like an old fart. This isn't anything to do with being young-at-heart. Being a gamer, there is a good chance I will meet my son in an online game and beat the ass out of him, speak his lingo and piss him off with a victory taunt. Or showing him how a proper full instep shot should be taken outside the penalty box despite the creaking bones. Yeah, being young-at-heart. I know all about it.

However that concept is at best, a delusion. The willingness to think, speak and play younger does not delay, much less reverse aging. The mirror does not lie. When we age enough, we die, regardless whether we hold a pokemon soft toy to bed every night or not. Thus at this age, I find myself thinking about retirement very often. I tried speaking to people I know about this and I felt a similar experience like when I was researching about migration. I was an odd one out and no one around seemed to be interested in it at all, let alone providing me the answers or at least do some theory crafting with me. When I brought up the topic of retirement, the answers I got were usually curt, as if it was an evil thing to contemplate about. Otherwise, the responses would be sarcastic or scornful. The less robust ones would be some of resentment, resignation or self pity. In short, nobody wants to talk about it.

Sorry if you are one of those I pissed off by bringing up this topic. One day when we are all retired, (by choice or not), you can be sure I will start pissing you off again by discussing about death. I never change, I guess. After all these years, I know I will never. Back to the topic of retirement, after starting this blog, I came to appreciate my habit of thinking years into the future when I began to receive emails from Singaporeans asking me how he or she could migrate to Australia. The difficult cases were always those who were "overaged", i.e above 40 years old. That made me realise how close I was to end up in their situations had I not thought about stuff like that in my late 20s. Plans like that take years to unfold. If we factor in procrastination, cock ups and change in circumstances, we will look back and admit it wasn't a bad idea to start planning early because all these take up a great deal of time, holding plans up more than we initially imagined.

Anyway, since it is still early days of retirement strategy crafting, it is still bits and pieces everywhere and my mind is in a mess. I'll rely on a tried and tested solution to clear out my mind - by blogging it. In time to come, I'll iron things out and refine my ideas over time. Hopefully when retirement or death comes (whichever is earlier), nothing surprises me and I will be able to bua long long and take it easy as usual.

The visit to Daniel Tang's huge house on his 1000sqm land got my lazy ass up to continue learning about this. Somewhere along the lines of our conversation was him locking all his "cash" into his property to gain an advantage during the income test of the pension scheme - if I didn't get the gist of it wrong. 

So tonight I spent some time reading about the Australia pension scheme and to my dismay, I found that it was actually as complicated - if not more - than the migration point system. Here we go again. As numbers haven't been my forte all along, this just adds on to the difficulty of grasping the overall picture in order to come up with a strategy to position myself best. A strategy comes with many contingencies. No doubt, I will have one which does not rely on the Australia pension scheme at all. That is not a surprise because many years ago, I have already decided not to rely on the CPF scheme in my retirement plans. So should one of these schemes turn out good by the time I retire, it will make things better. If not, I'll still get by. That is the idea.

The reason why I distrust schemes like that is because they can change the rules all the time. Or worse, scrap it totally. Who fucking knows? Just two days ago, for example, I've read the politicians here trying to make a change in the pension scheme that will affect me directly. It says here,

Though there is a possibility that my creaking bones will see that I will not be travelling more than 6 weeks overseas after all thus unaffected by the possible new rule, this kind of shit pisses me off because I hate my freedom being threatened. Just like some assholes who implement MOP rules for HDB. Yeah the travelling rules has yet to be passed and may never be but the fact that some bastard has the audacity to suggest that means that anything can happen within the next 20, 30 years. I've learnt my lessons well from the way the dogs handled the CPF scheme. Never take anything for granted.

It's late. I am drowning from the sea of information about the Australia pension. Too tried for any breakthroughs. It seems that we have to be clever about dealing with our income, properties as well as cash to position ourselves properly. Thus, it confirms that early planning is important. It seems that I may need a foreign bank account someday. I've created a new topic label "Retirement Strategies" and will input these stuff under this tag in future.

Here is a retirement piggy bank for you: