How not to Get Caught Rule #1: Tell no Soul

Dear Nix,

I'm a singaporean that got my 189 last year (with info I got from your blog, really simple process) and am now staying in Melbourne. Spent 3 years prior as a student in Perth, and was told by dipb that I would qualify to apply for citizenship come April.

In all honesty I wouldn't have cared much and was planning to stay a PR for life, but with the recent job market being what it is for my accounting degree, I've been considering doing a masters in another course (if this is a good idea even) and the citizenship would help me out with HECS, since I'm a poor peasant. Also I like this place.

I was thinking that if I do apply what would be the chances I get caught, considering I'm a male with reservist "obligations" and what with their big hooha on exit permits. I don't have any reference with Singaporeans who do this so I can't get more info on this.

Yours sincerely
P.S I realise I may be judged a deserter/cheater by doing this, but I've given two years of my life to a inefficient, broken and on some levels corrupt military, so the moral viewpoint means nothing to me.

Dear R,

Since you are a Singaporean son, there is no need for me to mince my words. You understand my lingo. Fucked up military or whatever, one great thing we learn from the army is, "Do anything you want but don't get caught." Golden rule.

Littering is prohibited in Singapore and there is a consequence to face if you get caught. Do people litter? Yes. Singapore literally rain litter. Just take a walk around HDB flats at 3am in the morning before the Wall-Es start work. Do people get caught for littering? Of course. All the time. Fine. Public shaming. Whatever needs to be done has been done, except for putting the death penalty on litter bugs. Result? Littering continues.

The consequences of being caught holding a dual-citizenship may be a lot more serious than littering. According to Article 134(1)(a) Constitution of the Republic of Singapore, your citizenship may be revoked. You may probably be given a chance to decide which citizenship to retain and should you not choose Singapore, they will make an order to cease your citizenship with immediate effect. You will then be required to remove all your privileges, such as selling your HDB flat (if any), no longer be able to serve the nation in the army (so sad) as well as being kicked out as a member of the CPF Board. (and therefore no longer enjoy 2.5% interest on your OA) You will then be asked to fuck off to which country you belong with all your CPF money. Such harsh punishments indeed dwarf those of being caught littering so excuse me for citing a poor example above.

Enough of highlighting to you the dire consequences of being caught. I am coming to your question - What are the chances of being caught?

It is impossible to put this down in figures. Take littering for example, if both of us commit a littering offence, the chances of you being caught by an NEA officer may be higher than me. That is because before I litter, I estimate the percentages of a NEA officer being nearby at multiple axis and evaluate if there are adequate blind spots to veil my heinous sin for each of them. When I was unemployed in 2008 and bua long long went for a walk downstairs, I overheard a office lady telling her friend, "Littering creates jobs mah!" That sound so in sync with what our Prime Minister once wisely said, "Foreign workers help create good jobs for Singaporeans." I am a proud creator of jobs. I am not so sure how adept you are in reducing probability. You know, for a start, you should not tell anyone about your intention to litter if you want to litter. Not even your trusty overseas friend, asingaporeanson.

I'd assume it is also common sense not to travel into Singapore using your Australia passport (when you have it). You don't want to hear, "Aye bang! You Singaporean or Australian?" That is when you know you are fucked. Pin your pink NRIC on your shirt whenever you go when you return to Singapore for visit. Order your Cai Png in Hokkien and never call your Tze Char uncle, "Mate." Say Thank you, not Ta. Say keng MC not chuck a sickie. Use everything red from passport to IC to underwear. Blue is no-no. So say you have Monday Red. Give no one your foreign address or contact number. Tell no one your favourite animal is Koala.

If I am the only person who knows your evil plot, be sure I am the last. Forget about exterminating me either. If I could evade NEA officers all my life, you are of little threat to me. Besides, I will keep you anonymous so that you can go about doing your thing safely. However, if you breathe another word of this to another, the warranty is void.

There are grandmasters who have walked the path for decades. They are not difficult to seek out. With luck, I managed to coax some words of wisdom from a grandmaster. He said, "Do not stir shit."

You know, grandmaster was right. Put yourself in the shoes of the government. There can only be advantages for them to act blur even if they know you hold a dual citizenship. You will be overseas most of the them. That means you are unlikely to vote against them in a GE. The chances are, you are already disqualified from voting. Two, they can retain your CPF money. Who will voluntarily surrender funds that can be used to help them make more money? There is no benefit for them doing so. So do not force their hands or go asking them for it. Lastly, you need to understand civil service 1.01. If no one complains about you to them, who the fuck is so free to investigate you? So, don't get complained. 

All persons, references, examples and acronyms above are fictional and any resemblence is a coincidence and should not be taken seriously. You didn't read this.

How to get caught