Eve of Surgery

Perhaps I can finally understand how hard it was to persuade my dad to go for surgeries. Some people thought it was fear. We thought so too. That might be true for someone who has never gone under the knife before. The thought of going to sleep into the unknown waking up never the same again, in hope for better but often enough reported for worse. It was worse when money came into the equation. When the initial surgery did not meet expectations, the high cost of medical in Singapore made things complicated. Lost faith was hard to restore, especially when doubts were constantly creeping in treatment after treatment that failed to rejuvenate the health to former glory.

Even for a well informed patient like me who could tap on the resources of the internet and educated enough to weigh the pros and cons of treatment could not avoid fear the fear I couldn't, or perhaps didn't want to, connect when I sent him to the hospital to go under the knife. It is good for you. It is neccessary as you are unwell. Cheap words never too hard to offer.

It was just me to be cynical. It is hard not to doubt. I think doubts are neccessary. For without doubts, how will we know the real desires of the heart? What I think is important is the ability not to allow the noise to cloud the inner voice. Every Singaporean who migrated to Perth like me would have resisted the deep  persistent murmurs of doubt which never stop to linger long after we set feet here.

It was a subconscious effort when i made a decision to leave Singapore. For my fight with cancer, M's dad encouraged me to communicate directly to the inner voice within myself instead of relying on the subsciousness or gut feelings. Not just for this surgery but for the long extended war beyond that.

At the eve of the surgery, there was little nerves. I love these lazy quiet afternoons where life had no expectations of me. Where the highlight of the afternoon was killing my first Redback with boiling water. Slick job. Where I had the mood to get dirty under the car to top up my leaky engine and to flush the radiator and refill the tank up to its deserve with clean, new coolant. Old as it is, good as new. That is what they will do for me tomorrow.

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