How to Survive Living Alone if You Can't Cook for Nuts

Happy New Year.


Miss me? I bet.


I haven't felt like blogging because I have nothing left to say and you have nothing new to ask. For all senders of un-replied emails, please just do a search on the blog using keywords of your questions, you should be able to find something about it. If you have time to burn, you can wait for my eventual reply - which can take from a day to a year. The faster way would be to send me a text on whatsapp. 


Anyway, I was asked a rather weird question which the answer will be too long to reply on whatsapp. So I am doing it here, for the benefit of others who may find themselves in the same predicament. Here's a potato for you in advance.


A potato

So here goes




When I first came to Perth, I couldn't even cook green vegetables or white rice. I kid you not. Oddly enough, today somebody asked me for cooking lessons! Well, don't take it that I am a good cook. Of course not. The impression I probably give is, if that guy has survived 5 fucking years, there must be food to go around somehow! Due to the high cost of eating out, that cannot be a sustainable option. Thus, there must be some mysterious way to get food in the belly so much so we don't get bankrupt first before we die of hunger.


Simple.


Know this. EVERY household in Perth has an oven, rental house or not. Even if you rent a shack, we can go into Microwave 1.01. Until then, you should do fine with Oven 1.01. We are talking about filling the stomach, not fine dining in a Marina Bay Sands restaurant. Beggars cannot be choosers. Besides, this list will be a better menu than a typical beggar's...


First, the golden rules of the Oven 1.01. 


If it burns, decrease the temperature.

If it cooks too slow, increase the temperature.

then fucking wait.


Note that oven cooking is different from anything else. The drawback is obviously the amount of time taken to cook. The advantage is very minimal preparation and passive cooking. this means you can do everything else while your food cooks, leaving nothing else left to do except to enjoy a good meal when it is done. If you ask me, that's a good deal. Now you know the rules, here is a recipe book.


1. A Fucking Baked Potato.

Buy a potato. Bake it at 168 degrees Celsius, for easy memory, if you are a superstitious hungry Chinese Singaporean. Leave it inside for 90 mins. By the time you finish your laundry, house cleaning and pa chiu cheng, you have some potatoes to eat. Finish the desired toppings. Just don't put the wrong white creamy stuff on it.

A potato again

2. Eat some fucking veg

If you cannot crack eggs over asparagus, a veg that requires minimal washing or chopping, then you deserve to starve. Else, a nutritious side will be waiting for you if you do this.


Bake veg (with bacon if non-muslim) at 240 C for 8 minutes, remove tray with gloved hand and crack eggs over them. Roast till eggs are cooked to the preferred level, note the time taken so you don't have to be there again the next time, setting the timer to remind you.




3. Italian Cuisine

Buy whatever toppings you like. Buy sliced bread for $0.70 a loaf. Put toppings on bread. Add cheese. Place into oven and bake at 200 C until cheese is baked at desired level. Note time for future passive cooking.
You have no excuse

Rotate recipes until you get sick of eating them. Chicken, fish, lamb, vegetables, deserts. Name it and the oven delivers. Soon you will search for oven recipes and go forth to be the next oven master.


Good luck. If you want to learn more advance, dangerous course, please post your money order to book your lesson in Boiling 1.01.






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