The Test of Emotions

It is not a good 2 weeks for us. I burnt myself and had myself a stingy wound that is slow to heal. My mum hurt her back, my dad's couldn't walk again, my dog died and now the other dog, the apple of my eye is in intensive care at the vet.

I called back during my 11pm break. Mum cried during the whole conversation. She never cried that much in my memory, not even when dad used violence on her. But the late events have taken a toil on her. Our beloved stall will be handed over to the new operator soon. In our hearts we both felt sad but we never said that. The stall was both our birth child and represented one of the finest bonding experience as mother and son. Along with the stall, she lost the company of her son's as well as her daughter-in-law whom she gets along so well with.

Chocolate is not eating. It is cruel to have her carrying and sending him to the vet with the memory of the death of her favourite dog, Tramp, still fresh. I'm not sure if she was incoherent, a miscommunication between the vet and her or it was that bad. The vet found several problems with Chocolate such as low blood pressure, liver problems, internal bleeding and so on. Facing the possibility of death of her 2nd dog and nursing a flu, she finally broke. She always have been a strong woman. Still, she's just a woman. Just a human.

I cheered her up by changing the topic. I told her I am confident that Chocolate will be fine. He has always been a tough one and I can feel that his time is not up yet. Not till his master is back by his side. I told mum how pleasing Albany is. I shared with her how Albany will smile at me and babble continuously every afternoon before I go to work, making me yearning to come back the second I stepped out of house. Mum audibly burst into tears over the phone and cried, "I really feel like seeing her."

My heart sank. I couldn't concentrate at work after that. At one instance, the pencil grinder snapped out from the hole I was dressing and stung my masterhand.  I wasn't hurt but the temporary pain was strong enough for me to take one minute of break, hunched on my work stool. At that point I remember telling myself, let's fuck this and return home.


Home is where the heart is. It is not a physical space or a specific location nor it is a fixed entity. Like water it changes as it flows, taking shape where it is, taking shape where the heart is.

Worse, sister Angela is in Perth right now, having a short tour with the intention of paying me a visit. After meeting her family and her on Monday when she touched down, she have gone for her road trip down south. Elder sister is left to hold the fort. I hope she keeps her cool and not start any blaming game.

I have underestimated my importance to my family and am responsible for how things crumbled. It wasn't happening as how it was planned. We wanted it to be fluid and flexible. We are both independent adults. Either of us can come back for a certain period so long we fulfilled the requirements of the re-entry permit. The coming of Albany totally surprised us and thew us into the mix. Not only the timing of the move was brought forward and left underprepared on both sides, Jen could not work  as well.

Albany is a blessing as well as a test. A test that we embrace without question despite what is happening. She shall undoubtedly bring joy to her grandmother who love her so much. She'll be back to her father's land soon.

And I, am already missing both Jen and Albany with the thought of the temporary separation. I've done this before and I'll cope.


  1. It really is hard for you.
    Being there before in some ways, I try to feel what you do, and remember.
    Yours is still the more heroic road.

    They say the rite of passage for a woman is motherhood, but do not say as much for a man who has chosen to be husband and father, how much it changes for him to be stronger and better than he previously was.

    But you're right that you'll cope again, and I wish to support you in spirit and prayer, if that's all I can do, as you decide what you will, returning alone and returning back again.

    But actually, you're never alone.
    Let's never forget the women who are always with you, wherever you are, including whom Albany will one day grow up to be.

    (If you do return and have a little time to want to meet up with a stranger like me, and we can successfully arrange a time and place, you have my email.)

  2. I hope yr family ordeal will be over soon.. take care bro. And i hope yr mum and dad will recover soonest... and chocolate will be fine ;)

  3. I really hope things will pick up from here. *hugs

  4. Stay strong bro, you've come so far, gotta hang on in there. That said, your mom is in a sad situation right now, and requires comfort. It may not be possible for you to visit SG for a short while, but do communicate with her frequently and keep in touch. It will keep both of you strong. If possible to visit SG at the moment, try and do a short trip. May not be easy, I guess, with time and costs.

    I hope you are using skype with video? If not, try and get someone to set up a netbook for your mom so that she can see you and Jen and the baby. Also that you can see Chocolate, too.

    Live videos do help to bring people closer, even though it's not the same as being there. I know 'cos at the moment my family is elsewhere and I am talking to them everyday on skype, and playing games with my kids online.

  5. :( I hope chocolate gets well soon I can feel your pain bro, take care and chin up,all will be well , praying for you and the family!

  6. Hi,

    U must stay strong and be positive. U are one of your famiy's pillar, everyone needs a part of you one way or another, you can't fall.

    Call and comfort your parents often esp in such situations. Chocolate will be fine as he has the same attributes as you, a survivor.

    Stay positive and positive things will happen to you.

    Take Care


  7. i think it is a good idea to get a skype/ipad/android combo so that there is a visual connection between family members.

  8. see your post alway make me want to cry, pls take care, jia you.

    ah pooh

  9. brother take care and how your parent right now? is it ok we pay them a visit ? AKU

  10. Take care.
    Fluid and independant
    Carefree and freedom.
    Why is life so complicated?

  11. My brother's dog died recently and my dad was in tears. Never has he been so broken up over any pet before. This happened on Christmas day when we (my brother as well) were both in SG so he basically went through it alone.

    I know how difficult it must be to be so far away from your mom at this point. It broke my heart, hearing my dad break down - he who never broke down except after my mom passed. All I can say is call back more often - every day if you can. Get Jen to call her when you can't. At least your eldest sis is still there. Your mom probably feels it worse because you're so far away and it amplifies the feeling of loss.

    1. Sorry, both of us were NOT in SG, so it made me feel even more like scum for being thousands of miles away as my dad was going through it alone on a festive season.