I decided not to post anything tonight because there wasn't anything significant I wanted to say. It was 4am in the morning here. I was sitting in the living room with all lights off. I could see nothing beyond the full length windows in the living room despite the blinds were raised.
As I was about to shut the mac book and call it a day, something unexpected happened.
Eugene's little boy, came out of his room hugging his blanket and staggered dazed across to living room. He didn't seem to see me, but he couldn't have not as I was right besides the doorway and my mac was the only light source around. If he noted my presence, he ignored me.
He continued his way to the masterbed room and cranked the door open. I heard his parents mumbled a few words. He came back out, dragging his blanket on the floor and went past me in the same staggering manner and returned to his room.
A few minutes later he appeared right beside me, startled me a little. He was light footed and I didn't notice him until he speak.
“叔叔，為甚麼我的床下有怪獸？” ("Uncle, why is there a monster under my bed?")
My eyes widen. I was unable to give a spontaneous answer. I lowered my head to his and whispered, "What?" The little boy repeated his question.
"叔叔在這裡，哪有怪獸敢來？” ("I'm sitting here, no monster will dare venture in.")
I hoped it would calm his little mind down and he would go back to bed but he wasn't convinced. He asked a question which I didn't catch and we were interrupted by the presence of his mother. She took over and began a series of children talk. Before long, little boy went to bed without fear.
The little incident struck me cold. I'm not good with kids. Am I going to cope at all? I always told myself that I would be granted these skills magically once I am a father. The closer the date beckons, the less confident I am that the lie I told myself would come true.
Adults have fears like children do. While children don't understand their fears and express it wildly, adults manage their fears and very often bury them instead of conquering them. We grow up, learn to be rational, convinced ourselves the monster under the bed never existed and carried on with life. The fear remained untamed and unconquered.
It's time to learn to vanquish some fears for good.
Do you always sleep that 'early'?
ReplyDeleteI DUN look at under my bed with lights off....
ReplyDelete~>_<~
sei
kids have alot of questions where as adult we have to think in their shoes and answer in a way they can understand. Pls tc of ur health. u not young anymore.
And yes, your fairy god mother will drop on when Jen is in labour to bless you with skills due for a father.
ReplyDeleteSome fears cannot be overcome. We adults simple brush them aside because responsibilities are scarier than fears.
that's the reason why I wish to go back to my childhood.. not because of the monster thingy.. hahaha... it's because of the courage... little kids always has the courage to express anything they have in mind. They're just so innocent.. Not like an adult's life.. so... struggling about life..
ReplyDeleteit's no fun to be already equipped with the fatherly skills before you have a kid, it's supposed to be a learning process, together as a family :) Dun worry, you'll do fine. I have confidence in you.
ReplyDeletenobody's born to have the skill of having a way with kids..
ReplyDeletelike u, i dun... my fren does cos her mum was a babysitter at hm last time..
and she used to take care n play with them too..
i believe after ur daughter is born, u will pick up this skill and learn new things every n then..
like wat chinchilla said.. it's a learning process.. ;)
-Julia
@ ellis: Yes. I always sleep that 'early' as long as I am working this current job.
ReplyDelete@ sei: yup, i still sleep 7 hours. I serve the net while waiting for my hair to dry. If I want to cut that short, gotta ask my wife to cut my hair shorter again.
@anonymous: That's not going to happen isn't it :)
@chinchilla: Thank you sis, the reason why I think this way is because I saw some good mothers and good fathers as well as bad mothers and bad fathers. After long enough, you can tell among your friends who would be good fathers in future the way they deal with kids when before fatherhood. Impartially, I belong to the bad father type. Hope you are right and I'm wrong.
@julia: I hope you are right. I've no time to read up and learn more these days. Maybe I'll stop working on Saturdays. Less money in but invest the time wisely on knowledge.
Thanks everyone for the encouragement
:) It will happen. Parenthood is a learn-on-the-job thingy. And I feel you're far from a bad father. A bad father is one who refuse acknowledging his own child.
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